Greetings

Thank you, to all who have hit on my blog and posted comments, even though I've not posted lately.


For a time, I have felt hopeless.

Four years into this, I recognize there are no huge breakthroughs with this disorder.  Only incremental gains.  So I may as well go back to leading the interesting life I led before being diagnosed...perhaps without some of the fallout...such avoiding homelessness, for example.


What is it that I love about me and BPD?  I love the risk-taking.  I love having the guts to stand up and shout out about things I don't like and don't accept.  I love my various escape routes, such as travel.


I love my shattered perspectives; because, sometimes, they are correct.  In the meantime, they are at least interesting. 


Why me?  Why not.  I've lived an incredible life, due to BPD.  No one I know, can come close.  In terms of travel and experiences.


Yes.  It has been hell.  But at least it has been an interesting hell.  And, I've got to give myself credit for not having children; not drawing anyone else into my genetic behavioural soup.  I've been extremely responsible in my choices. In that regard.
 
If I can inspire anyone to not have children, when/if you know you have a mental illness...that would be huge.  Please don't do it.  Having children is not a solution to mental illness.  Offspring will not improve your mental health. In fact, you may be perpetuating the illness and the hell in which you live.  Why would you want to pass that on?


As lonely as you are and are going to be, having children is absolutely no solution.  I speak from growing up with a suicidal depressed mother.  Her having four children, and numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren, does not stop her from talking constantly, at the age 83, of wanting to die.


Ladies, we can stop the cycle of mental illness.  Women before us, have fought and won, reproductive determination.  For me, the buck stops with me.


No child or grandchild of mine, will ever have to listen to, or know how awful I feel, on a daily basis; because those humans don't exist. I choose not to re-create the circus.


In my opinion and experience, mental illness/BPD can't be fixed.  There is no solution.


There are only increments towards something that feels better, or measurably, is better.  By 'measurable' that doesn't mean I feel better.  It means that, as I am in therapy, with outside observers, there are material/physical indicators my life has improved.  I can't argue with that, even though I don't feel any better, I am better.


That is the part that has been missing.  I have consistently given up good physical environments because I feel bad.  Living in paradise; but I'm depressed, so I leave.


So enjoy the crazy expansive things you have done, because of BPD.  Don't have children, or, if you do, don't have more.  Consider the fact it might be better for them, if they were raised by someone else, without your BPD construct of behaviour and thinking.  Because that imprint will be on your child.


None of us, who are honest with ourselves, would ever want anyone one else to suffer from BPD.  For some of us, we could begin by refusing to have children.  This is one very strong statement of having the buck stop at ourselves, as a choice.

Documentary + Spoken Word Poet

15 Reasons to Live - Alan Zweig


This is a Television Ontario (TVO) documentary.  Apparently, for some reason, they don't keep these documentaries available on-line.  Consequently, this link may only be active for a short time.  Complain to TVO if you'd like their policy to change regarding this film.


I loved the ideas and reasons for living, the film-maker explored.


http://ww3.tvo.org/video/198790/15-reasons-live


Spoken Word Poet - Shane Koyczan


Probably links to his work have a much longer lifespan than anything available on TVO.


The piece that spoke to me most:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7OGY1Jxp3o


Instructions for a bad day.

Books and Movies

Much of the time I've been posting in this blog, I've been exploring specific topics which I thought might help in understanding and coping with BPD.

Topics such as Perfectionism, the Psychology of Happiness and Mentalization Therapy.  I would still like to write more about Creativity, as I believe creativity may be a key to healing and living a more fulfilled, joyful life. 

For the time being, I would like to talk more about some of the movies and books which are providing me insights about living with BPD.

It has been a little over three years now, since I've been diagnosed.  I began this blog journey, thinking if I just understood BPD, I could "fix" what was wrong with me, my whole life.

I've come to the place where I understand and am trying to accept, that I will always be living with BPD.  It is only the degree in the quality of my life I can attempt to influence.  Incremental changes.  Small steps.  To remain stable and in one place, is my greatest challenge.

I am still going to have terrible days and horrible feelings, as bad as I have always had.  Often, there is still going to be this huge emptiness inside me...the big black hole.

The difference now, is I know what it is.  It has a name.  The condition from which I suffer is out in the open now, no longer hidden.  The difference is I have professionals I can talk to, and have met others like myself.  So I know I'm not alone, as I once thought I was, with the challenges I face in daily life.

The difference is, I understand if I can just make it through the dark times without running or killing myself, it will pass.  And eventually, I will feel better.  While I've lived with suicide as an option since I was 14 years old, I've come to the place where it isn't an option anymore.

No, this is the glorious outcome I was hoping for...but stepping back from the edge is progress.  To stop running is progress.  To turn up for meetings and appointments when I'm feeling bad; rather than cancelling and hiding is progress.  And, to forgive myself when I can't meet life or function; rather than beating myself up about it is progress.
~~~
I watched a film yesterday, The Descendants with George Clooney, directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, Nebraska).

It is a story set in Hawaii, where I have been.  A place which is truly a paradise.  I was reminded in watching this story, that no matter whether one is living in a beautiful environment or not, one is still not immune from the vicissitudes of life.  Life will still hit you in the gut and leave you reeling.

When we are young, we are encouraged to define and pursue our dreams.  And so we do.  But what I have found, is that even when one has achieved one's dreams, one is still left with oneself.  In the end, alone and empty, depressed--if that is one's general state of mind.  No amount of external manipulation can change the internal landscape of the soul.  Only I can change that, through things and means largely nonmaterial.

An even greater challenge, is when one tries for one's dreams and fails.  What then?  The true measure of success, is how we cope with our failures.  How do we deal with what life gives us; rather than what we wanted for ourselves?  Again, it goes to the interior life.  Can we accept what we have received and work with it?  Or learn from it?  Can we see the possibility that what we have been given is in someway better or more what we need than what we had planned?

That, in fact, my perceived lack of success in what I was attempting to achieve may be a gift, or a small miracle.  Can I overcome my disappointment and self-loathing, blaming others, and see what I have actually stumbled upon instead?

If I can change the rigidity of my thinking, be more open, more flexible, more accepting...perhaps I will become more serene.  Happier.  Satisfied.

It is odd for us to think of "failure" like this.  But perhaps it is more realistic.  More in tune with what actually happens in life.

I close with a quote from the film, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:

"The only real failure is the failure to try; and the measure of success, how we cope with disappointment."