Much of the time I've been posting in this blog, I've been exploring specific topics which I thought might help in understanding and coping with BPD.
Topics such as Perfectionism, the Psychology of Happiness and Mentalization Therapy. I would still like to write more about Creativity, as I believe creativity may be a key to healing and living a more fulfilled, joyful life.
For the time being, I would like to talk more about some of the movies and books which are providing me insights about living with BPD.
It has been a little over three years now, since I've been diagnosed. I began this blog journey, thinking if I just understood BPD, I could "fix" what was wrong with me, my whole life.
I've come to the place where I understand and am trying to accept, that I will always be living with BPD. It is only the degree in the quality of my life I can attempt to influence. Incremental changes. Small steps. To remain stable and in one place, is my greatest challenge.
I am still going to have terrible days and horrible feelings, as bad as I have always had. Often, there is still going to be this huge emptiness inside me...the big black hole.
The difference now, is I know what it is. It has a name. The condition from which I suffer is out in the open now, no longer hidden. The difference is I have professionals I can talk to, and have met others like myself. So I know I'm not alone, as I once thought I was, with the challenges I face in daily life.
The difference is, I understand if I can just make it through the dark times without running or killing myself, it will pass. And eventually, I will feel better. While I've lived with suicide as an option since I was 14 years old, I've come to the place where it isn't an option anymore.
No, this is the glorious outcome I was hoping for...but stepping back from the edge is progress. To stop running is progress. To turn up for meetings and appointments when I'm feeling bad; rather than cancelling and hiding is progress. And, to forgive myself when I can't meet life or function; rather than beating myself up about it is progress.
~~~
I watched a film yesterday, The Descendants with George Clooney, directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, Nebraska).
It is a story set in Hawaii, where I have been. A place which is truly a paradise. I was reminded in watching this story, that no matter whether one is living in a beautiful environment or not, one is still not immune from the vicissitudes of life. Life will still hit you in the gut and leave you reeling.
When we are young, we are encouraged to define and pursue our dreams. And so we do. But what I have found, is that even when one has achieved one's dreams, one is still left with oneself. In the end, alone and empty, depressed--if that is one's general state of mind. No amount of external manipulation can change the internal landscape of the soul. Only I can change that, through things and means largely nonmaterial.
An even greater challenge, is when one tries for one's dreams and fails. What then? The true measure of success, is how we cope with our failures. How do we deal with what life gives us; rather than what we wanted for ourselves? Again, it goes to the interior life. Can we accept what we have received and work with it? Or learn from it? Can we see the possibility that what we have been given is in someway better or more what we need than what we had planned?
That, in fact, my perceived lack of success in what I was attempting to achieve may be a gift, or a small miracle. Can I overcome my disappointment and self-loathing, blaming others, and see what I have actually stumbled upon instead?
If I can change the rigidity of my thinking, be more open, more flexible, more accepting...perhaps I will become more serene. Happier. Satisfied.
It is odd for us to think of "failure" like this. But perhaps it is more realistic. More in tune with what actually happens in life.
I close with a quote from the film, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:
"The only real failure is the failure to try; and the measure of success, how we cope with disappointment."
Topics such as Perfectionism, the Psychology of Happiness and Mentalization Therapy. I would still like to write more about Creativity, as I believe creativity may be a key to healing and living a more fulfilled, joyful life.
For the time being, I would like to talk more about some of the movies and books which are providing me insights about living with BPD.
It has been a little over three years now, since I've been diagnosed. I began this blog journey, thinking if I just understood BPD, I could "fix" what was wrong with me, my whole life.
I've come to the place where I understand and am trying to accept, that I will always be living with BPD. It is only the degree in the quality of my life I can attempt to influence. Incremental changes. Small steps. To remain stable and in one place, is my greatest challenge.
I am still going to have terrible days and horrible feelings, as bad as I have always had. Often, there is still going to be this huge emptiness inside me...the big black hole.
The difference now, is I know what it is. It has a name. The condition from which I suffer is out in the open now, no longer hidden. The difference is I have professionals I can talk to, and have met others like myself. So I know I'm not alone, as I once thought I was, with the challenges I face in daily life.
The difference is, I understand if I can just make it through the dark times without running or killing myself, it will pass. And eventually, I will feel better. While I've lived with suicide as an option since I was 14 years old, I've come to the place where it isn't an option anymore.
No, this is the glorious outcome I was hoping for...but stepping back from the edge is progress. To stop running is progress. To turn up for meetings and appointments when I'm feeling bad; rather than cancelling and hiding is progress. And, to forgive myself when I can't meet life or function; rather than beating myself up about it is progress.
~~~
I watched a film yesterday, The Descendants with George Clooney, directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, Nebraska).
It is a story set in Hawaii, where I have been. A place which is truly a paradise. I was reminded in watching this story, that no matter whether one is living in a beautiful environment or not, one is still not immune from the vicissitudes of life. Life will still hit you in the gut and leave you reeling.
When we are young, we are encouraged to define and pursue our dreams. And so we do. But what I have found, is that even when one has achieved one's dreams, one is still left with oneself. In the end, alone and empty, depressed--if that is one's general state of mind. No amount of external manipulation can change the internal landscape of the soul. Only I can change that, through things and means largely nonmaterial.
An even greater challenge, is when one tries for one's dreams and fails. What then? The true measure of success, is how we cope with our failures. How do we deal with what life gives us; rather than what we wanted for ourselves? Again, it goes to the interior life. Can we accept what we have received and work with it? Or learn from it? Can we see the possibility that what we have been given is in someway better or more what we need than what we had planned?
That, in fact, my perceived lack of success in what I was attempting to achieve may be a gift, or a small miracle. Can I overcome my disappointment and self-loathing, blaming others, and see what I have actually stumbled upon instead?
If I can change the rigidity of my thinking, be more open, more flexible, more accepting...perhaps I will become more serene. Happier. Satisfied.
It is odd for us to think of "failure" like this. But perhaps it is more realistic. More in tune with what actually happens in life.
I close with a quote from the film, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:
"The only real failure is the failure to try; and the measure of success, how we cope with disappointment."
