I haven't posted in a long time, as I have had little encouraging to say.
In September, it will be five years since I was diagnosed.
When first diagnosed, I was so hopeful. I wanted to find out everything I could about BPD. I wanted to try everything I could, to fix what was wrong with me.
Five years later, I've come to understand it can't be fixed, no matter what I do. This is a condition I have lived with all my life, and will have to live with for all my life.
Yes, I can learn about BPD and techniques to modulate my emotions. However, there are always going to be times when I can't modulate my emotions. There are times when I'm going to be angry and outspoken. There are times when my perceptions are going to be off, and I will react. There are going to be times when I am triggered.
There are times when I am going to be paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I will have good days and bad days.
Where I have come to at this point, is acceptance. Acceptance, hopefully, with some grace. And compassion. When I see I've had a bad reaction, I apologize. I try to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and others.
The Dali Lama once said the purpose of life is to be happy. When asked how to achieve that, he responded "through compassion". I think there is something to this. I am a perfectionist, so it is hard for me not to be judging of myself and others. Not to be upset when I and others, fall short.
It may well be the way out of this negativity and anger is through compassion. Compassion calms things down. 'Helps me see things in a different way.
I am always going to be this cracked jug--many humans are cracked and broken, in addition to myself. But we move forward.
The way forward, is what I do and can do, even though I am cracked and broken. Even though I'm not as perfect, as I aspire to be. Looking back through my life I am often amazed at what I was able to accomplish...without a diagnosis or any support.
My next chapter is to offer a program in Horticultural Therapy at the Canadian Mental Health Association. I have a certificate in Horticultural Therapy, and have found working with plants and in gardens very therapeutic.
For others, it might be art, or working with animals, music. Writing. The thing is, find something you love and care about, and do it.
Even though we are broken, we still have something to give. All of us.
Yes, I know I'm likely to fall down, have days I'm paralyzed, in pain and angry. But hopefully, I can be compassionate with myself; and others will be compassionate with me.
Acceptance with grace, that this is how it is for me. Humble enough to be honest about the cracks in my jug. Gracious enough to apologize and move forward. To not give up, because I have failed, momentarily, to manage myself well.
This is my reality. I live with this disorder. Now, what can I do to create a life with meaning, despite this disability?
Acceptance. Grace. Compassion.
In September, it will be five years since I was diagnosed.
When first diagnosed, I was so hopeful. I wanted to find out everything I could about BPD. I wanted to try everything I could, to fix what was wrong with me.
Five years later, I've come to understand it can't be fixed, no matter what I do. This is a condition I have lived with all my life, and will have to live with for all my life.
Yes, I can learn about BPD and techniques to modulate my emotions. However, there are always going to be times when I can't modulate my emotions. There are times when I'm going to be angry and outspoken. There are times when my perceptions are going to be off, and I will react. There are going to be times when I am triggered.
There are times when I am going to be paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I will have good days and bad days.
Where I have come to at this point, is acceptance. Acceptance, hopefully, with some grace. And compassion. When I see I've had a bad reaction, I apologize. I try to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and others.
The Dali Lama once said the purpose of life is to be happy. When asked how to achieve that, he responded "through compassion". I think there is something to this. I am a perfectionist, so it is hard for me not to be judging of myself and others. Not to be upset when I and others, fall short.
It may well be the way out of this negativity and anger is through compassion. Compassion calms things down. 'Helps me see things in a different way.
I am always going to be this cracked jug--many humans are cracked and broken, in addition to myself. But we move forward.
The way forward, is what I do and can do, even though I am cracked and broken. Even though I'm not as perfect, as I aspire to be. Looking back through my life I am often amazed at what I was able to accomplish...without a diagnosis or any support.
My next chapter is to offer a program in Horticultural Therapy at the Canadian Mental Health Association. I have a certificate in Horticultural Therapy, and have found working with plants and in gardens very therapeutic.
For others, it might be art, or working with animals, music. Writing. The thing is, find something you love and care about, and do it.
Even though we are broken, we still have something to give. All of us.
Yes, I know I'm likely to fall down, have days I'm paralyzed, in pain and angry. But hopefully, I can be compassionate with myself; and others will be compassionate with me.
Acceptance with grace, that this is how it is for me. Humble enough to be honest about the cracks in my jug. Gracious enough to apologize and move forward. To not give up, because I have failed, momentarily, to manage myself well.
This is my reality. I live with this disorder. Now, what can I do to create a life with meaning, despite this disability?
Acceptance. Grace. Compassion.
