I've been reading a lot of Oliver Sacks recently.
In the '60s, he administered the drug L-dopa to patients suffering from Parkinsonian symptoms as a result of the "sleeping sickness" epidemic of the 1920s.
For more about his study, read his book Awakenings. There was also a movie made, starring Robin Williams and Robert De Niro, directed by Penny Marshall, released in 1990 based, somewhat, on his book.
Something that spoke to me in the analysis of his patients, is the three stages they go through after receiving this drug: Awakening, Tribulations, Accommodation.
I can identify with these three stages in my experience of BPD.
Awakening:
For me, my awakening was being diagnosed two years ago, with this disorder. It was such a relief to know what was wrong and that there is treatment. I was full of hope and optimism. I was enthusiastic to embrace whatever I could find that would help.
Tribulations:
Then, over the two years of treatment and learning how to cope with this illness, I have had the return of symptoms as bad as anything I have ever experienced prior to diagnosis and treatment. It feels terrible to have those feelings of depression, agitation, anxiety again; wanting to give up and die, even after all I have done to try to get well.
Accommodation:
This is where I am now. And it seems to me the hard part. Learning what I can and cannot do, or take on--without reactivating the symptoms of the disorder. Understanding my limitations, the real life limitations of my disease. Learning some sort of acceptance: this is how it is for me.
And finally, just staying steady. Just doing my best to remain or regain, stability. Not running away--neither physically, as I used to; nor through abusing substances.
Getting back up and back to therapy, even when I've missed a session or two due to depression or anxiety. And being grateful for the incremental gains.
Accommodation is the long haul of living with BPD. It is not giving up; while understanding there really is no cure. That the bad times and feelings will come again, and yet again. But to "hang in". Keep trying to garner tools that will help cope with the symptoms.
Knowing somewhere inside myself, that it is better than it was before I was diagnosed; before I started on this journey of treatment. Trying to stay calm and level, no matter how flat and joyless it feels some days.
As someone in my group said: "Some days it just feels as though I'm going through the motions." And yes, that is exactly how it is. Rinse and repeat.
Accommodation is somehow accepting the present, as well as the past; without giving up hope. Moving forward with as much gratitude as I can muster.
For me, it is at least better to know what is "wrong" than not to know. Which is where I used to live, for most of my life.
In the '60s, he administered the drug L-dopa to patients suffering from Parkinsonian symptoms as a result of the "sleeping sickness" epidemic of the 1920s.
For more about his study, read his book Awakenings. There was also a movie made, starring Robin Williams and Robert De Niro, directed by Penny Marshall, released in 1990 based, somewhat, on his book.
Something that spoke to me in the analysis of his patients, is the three stages they go through after receiving this drug: Awakening, Tribulations, Accommodation.
I can identify with these three stages in my experience of BPD.
Awakening:
For me, my awakening was being diagnosed two years ago, with this disorder. It was such a relief to know what was wrong and that there is treatment. I was full of hope and optimism. I was enthusiastic to embrace whatever I could find that would help.
Tribulations:
Then, over the two years of treatment and learning how to cope with this illness, I have had the return of symptoms as bad as anything I have ever experienced prior to diagnosis and treatment. It feels terrible to have those feelings of depression, agitation, anxiety again; wanting to give up and die, even after all I have done to try to get well.
Accommodation:
This is where I am now. And it seems to me the hard part. Learning what I can and cannot do, or take on--without reactivating the symptoms of the disorder. Understanding my limitations, the real life limitations of my disease. Learning some sort of acceptance: this is how it is for me.
And finally, just staying steady. Just doing my best to remain or regain, stability. Not running away--neither physically, as I used to; nor through abusing substances.
Getting back up and back to therapy, even when I've missed a session or two due to depression or anxiety. And being grateful for the incremental gains.
Accommodation is the long haul of living with BPD. It is not giving up; while understanding there really is no cure. That the bad times and feelings will come again, and yet again. But to "hang in". Keep trying to garner tools that will help cope with the symptoms.
Knowing somewhere inside myself, that it is better than it was before I was diagnosed; before I started on this journey of treatment. Trying to stay calm and level, no matter how flat and joyless it feels some days.
As someone in my group said: "Some days it just feels as though I'm going through the motions." And yes, that is exactly how it is. Rinse and repeat.
Accommodation is somehow accepting the present, as well as the past; without giving up hope. Moving forward with as much gratitude as I can muster.
For me, it is at least better to know what is "wrong" than not to know. Which is where I used to live, for most of my life.
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