Transforming Perfectionism

According to Flett and Hewitt, perfectionism as a personality trait, shows up at an early age in children.

As mentioned previously, I think it is genetic, as well as modelled by our parents.

I also think what kicks it into high gear is the need for love, approval, attention, and reward.  So while there may be an inherent need or striving to be better, to make things better in everyone; when we enter society, we are judged and evaluated by externals, at school, by the Church and by people in general, as children; by our work, when we are older.  We are judged by the results we are able to create.

If we didn't receive unconditional love from our parents, all our sense of self-worth is going to come from externals.  Thus the "set-up" for a disproportionate, heavy weight placed on becoming perfect.

Another element which I think is contributory, is the need for control.  Needing some control is a good human thing--it is one of the elements of happiness.  However, I think in perfectionism it becomes excessive and neurotic.

Often as children, we have the perspective that the world revolves around us.  Consequently, we take responsibility on ourselves for what is happening in our environments.  If things are bad, if there is a divorce, if there is fighting, scarcity, we look for ways to fix things, or we blame ourselves.

I think the propensity for perfectionism can come from a childhood desire to "make things right".  Perhaps perfectionists are still operating from the childhood perspective that the world revolves around us and that we can affect/effect things more than someone who is emotionally mature.

Perhaps we got stuck in childhood "fixing" for all our lives?

I've known the Serenity Prayer since I was nine years old.  It has never meant so much to me, as in the past few months:

"...to accept the things I cannot change; to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Perhaps this can be a starting point of transformation.

To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Control + Competition

Need for control

I've tried to pull back from this in recent years, tried to be aware of myself enough not to impose my will on others; but I do know this is something strong within myself.  Often, I'm not aware of it until someone points it out.

On the positive side, as outlined in the Psychology of Happiness segment of this blog, having a sense of control in one's life, a sense of effectiveness, is one of the components of happiness.  As humans we need to feel a sense of control in our lives--otherwise, we feel less than human.  This need for self-determination has been the stuff of revolutions and wars, and the basis of much we hold dear in Western civilization.

On the negative side, hyper vigilance to control my environment can be taxing on me, as well as others.  Trying to control things I can't control.  Or attention to controlling details that don't need to be managed.

Why do I do it? I offer some tentative ideas:

First, I was an eldest child.  I felt it was my responsibility to look after the younger ones.  To care for them, protect them, and come up with activities to amuse them.

I think this natural ability to come up with a plan, a solution to a problem and lay it out is considered the stuff of leaders--a role I moved into naturally, in nearly every work situation--not because I wanted power; but because I was the only one to come up with a plan and workable ideas. People saw me, from a very young age, as someone they could depend on to get things done.  They trusted me and left me with the job.  So I did it. 

Second. Given my many extra nerve endings and sensitivities, I have a physical health need to control my immediate environment, in terms of cleanliness. 

To be able to live in any environment, I have to clean excessively in an attempt to get rid of as many allergens as possible.  This is simply a physical fact of health for me.  I know it can be interpreted as an attempt at control--which it absolutely is.  Perfumes, dust, dander, chemicals--they make me sick.  If I possibly can, I try to remove them. 

I'm also very sensitive to the aesthetic aspect of my environment.

Third. I acknowledge negative flack from the compulsion for control.  I like to think I have always been open to anyone else who had a better idea. 

I wonder if this "control" issue would be seen differently if I was a man.  I think it might be seen as initiative, instead. 

Possibly, as women have been relegated to domestic duties for thousands of years, by all the major religions, with very little they could legitimately do outside the home, we put all that brain power into aspects of managing a home.  (Something which Martha Steward has blown out into an empire.)

Probably, the degree of cleaning women do has contributed to infant/human survival rates; and as we know, the survival rates of women postpartum, as compared to doctors, in one of the early studies in the 1800s.

Details can sometimes make or break a business deal as well.  So when does attention to detail become destructive?  When is it constructive?

Control. I think it is an important aspect of human well-being.  Perhaps when it becomes an obsession or a compulsion with diminishing returns, damaging relationships, that is the point where it becomes unhealthy.

Competitive

I hate to admit it; but I do notice in myself, in certain situations, a desire rising to be the best. 

Again, this is admired, expected and accepted for males; but perhaps not so much for females.  And, I do see more value in collaboration than in competition--most of the time.

For the most part now, I try to shy away from competitive situations.  I don't want anyone, including myself, to feel "less than" because they didn't win this time.

Something about competition appears to be primal. But I think we can modify our competitive impulses when it isn't important, when it can be destructive.  At the same time, it is important to learn how to win and lose with grace.

To be continued...