Barankin & Khanlou suggest that families have different resilience levels, just as individuals do.
At first, I wanted to skim over this section. It has been my habit to think of individual factors. What I could do as an individual to make changes. I have tried to be self-reliant. Then, I realized there is probably a correlation between mental health and the kinds of families in which we were formed.
When I think of my family, I feel sad. And when I read through the list of factors for resilient families, I realize most of these factors weren't present in my home.
The doctors describe resilient families as having strong bonds, they show affection, they support one another. Resilient families are flexible and committed to problem-solving together, when challenges arise. They are optimistic; approach things with humour in good times as well as in bad. They are protective, grounded, stable. They can count on each other. These families have good boundaries; exhibit love, acceptance, and encouragement; they are effective communicators; and provide a safe environment.
To be fair, my family has not been static. There have been fluctuations in our closeness. Many of the elements missing as children were added later in life. There are times we have been fairly harmonious; and times when we were not. And I imagine this flux is as unique as the individuals that make up my family. And it will continue as long as we are alive, as we all continue to learn and grow.
Let's look at the factors Barankin & Khanlou mention:
Secure attachment:
This is something I didn't have as a child, and have been unable to achieve with anyone during my life. This, I would say, is the big hole inside me. And perhaps one of the underlying factors in developing BPD.
How can this be filled?
Some suggest looking after animals helps. Ideally, it would be good to be well enough, stable enough, to have an honest, intimate relationship with another human. For the time being, for me, it is something that will have to wait.
Effective communication:
Listening skills, openness, honesty, encouragement rather than criticism and judging. Respect and healthy boundaries.
I think none of this was present in my childhood. However, group therapy helps a lot with developing these skills; as well as various workshops.
Family structure & parent relations
Families can take any number of formations; but the key ingredient is stability; plus healthy relations between the adults/caregivers in the situation.
Although my family had a traditional structure growing up; there wasn't stability, emotionally or financially. And for my last years at home, my family moved a lot, adding to a sense of insecurity and hopelessness.
What I can provide for myself now is some sort of geographical stability. I can learn how to protect myself from emotional damage by controlling who and what I allow into my space. I can create a life that isn't overwhelming for me. That is peaceful and healthy, with self-care rituals and routines. This is my work now.
To be continued...
At first, I wanted to skim over this section. It has been my habit to think of individual factors. What I could do as an individual to make changes. I have tried to be self-reliant. Then, I realized there is probably a correlation between mental health and the kinds of families in which we were formed.
When I think of my family, I feel sad. And when I read through the list of factors for resilient families, I realize most of these factors weren't present in my home.
The doctors describe resilient families as having strong bonds, they show affection, they support one another. Resilient families are flexible and committed to problem-solving together, when challenges arise. They are optimistic; approach things with humour in good times as well as in bad. They are protective, grounded, stable. They can count on each other. These families have good boundaries; exhibit love, acceptance, and encouragement; they are effective communicators; and provide a safe environment.
To be fair, my family has not been static. There have been fluctuations in our closeness. Many of the elements missing as children were added later in life. There are times we have been fairly harmonious; and times when we were not. And I imagine this flux is as unique as the individuals that make up my family. And it will continue as long as we are alive, as we all continue to learn and grow.
Let's look at the factors Barankin & Khanlou mention:
Secure attachment:
This is something I didn't have as a child, and have been unable to achieve with anyone during my life. This, I would say, is the big hole inside me. And perhaps one of the underlying factors in developing BPD.
How can this be filled?
Some suggest looking after animals helps. Ideally, it would be good to be well enough, stable enough, to have an honest, intimate relationship with another human. For the time being, for me, it is something that will have to wait.
Effective communication:
Listening skills, openness, honesty, encouragement rather than criticism and judging. Respect and healthy boundaries.
I think none of this was present in my childhood. However, group therapy helps a lot with developing these skills; as well as various workshops.
Family structure & parent relations
Families can take any number of formations; but the key ingredient is stability; plus healthy relations between the adults/caregivers in the situation.
Although my family had a traditional structure growing up; there wasn't stability, emotionally or financially. And for my last years at home, my family moved a lot, adding to a sense of insecurity and hopelessness.
What I can provide for myself now is some sort of geographical stability. I can learn how to protect myself from emotional damage by controlling who and what I allow into my space. I can create a life that isn't overwhelming for me. That is peaceful and healthy, with self-care rituals and routines. This is my work now.
To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment