Continuing with family factors contributing to becoming a resilient person:
Parenting style & mental health
Barankin & Khanlou suggest that the best parenting style is "authoritative". This is not authoritarian. It is consistent, involved, firm but fair, focusing on the positive rather than negative. Explaining, listening, communicating clearly expectations and consequences. Managing anger responses.
My parents were very different in how they parented. My mother was authoritarian, basing her parenting on a punitive interpretation of Christian principles. My father was inconsistent. Mostly, he was uninvolved; but occasionally he would intervene; usually to take something away.
I don't blame my parents for how they were. They did the best they could, given where they were coming from and the paucity of information they had available to them. They were both suffering with their own mental health issues and challenges.
I have discovered, primarily through genealogy research, that there is a history of mental illness in both family lines. Something hidden and approached with shame.
What I can do for myself now, is to use that fair, kind parenting style in constructing my new life. To not be so hard on myself. Focus on what I did right; learn from what I did wrong.
And perhaps by being more open about my illness, I can help de-stimagtize mental illness for those around me.
Sibling relations & community support
I would say there was an uneven hand in our sibling relations. Mostly, I think my mother was overwhelmed. Then, and I'm certain this is perceived differently by each of us, different siblings were favorites at different times, by different family members. Between my siblings in myself, we were pretty much left to work out our relations on our own.
As far as external community connections, we had the Church community; and my mother tried to get involved with things like Brownies.
But I'm not sure there was a sense of belonging, or support available. The Church community was exclusive, and the belief system set us apart from the rest of the world. In fact, we were not to mingle with "unbelievers" except to proselytize/convert them. The answer to every problem was prayer and if something was "wrong" it was shameful, a failure of faith and tended to be hidden.
We belonged to a rural community, and there wasn't much in the way of supports available. And, much like the Church, if people had problems, it was something more to be whispered about, a source of shame, to be dealt with behind closed doors.
I think what my mother tried to do in terms of becoming involved in the local community at the level of us children was good; but by that time I was older and well on my way to being "apart".
This all led to an isolated, restricted life for me, with very little in the way of community connection. In fact, I was probably raised to distrust others, with the expectation I would be persecuted for my religion. There was a great deal of intolerance, as we were taught that our "truth" was the only truth. We were right and the rest of the world was wrong.
My experience demonstrates some of the negative aspects of what can happen in religious communities of any faith. They can generate a sense of elitism, exclusivity, and intolerance. There is a tendency for members to be self and other, critical/judgmental. This not a healthy mindset conducive to embracing our membership in humanity on the planet.
I know not all churches are like this; and being part of a church or religious community is generally thought of as a positive, additive aspect of an individual's life. Generally, it gives one a sense of belonging, a connection with a community of shared values, a spiritual sense of something bigger than ourselves. Usually, there are many social activities connected with membership, and as an aspect of the religious practices.
To summarize, I think there was an uneven hand in the treatment of my siblings and myself; and little in the way of community connection/supports available. Additionally, what little community connection I did have via the Church tended to contribute to further isolation.
The more I write about what is required to raise a resilient child, the more I understand why I don't have this attribute, and realize the work involved to build this in myself.
Although I left the Church, I can see how my tendency to isolate and hold myself apart remains. It is going to require some effort on my part to reconnect with the world; to build healthy honest relationships with others. To become more tolerant and accepting. To reach out, rather than tuck in (and roll :).
No person is an island; although we may feel that way sometimes.
Parenting style & mental health
Barankin & Khanlou suggest that the best parenting style is "authoritative". This is not authoritarian. It is consistent, involved, firm but fair, focusing on the positive rather than negative. Explaining, listening, communicating clearly expectations and consequences. Managing anger responses.
My parents were very different in how they parented. My mother was authoritarian, basing her parenting on a punitive interpretation of Christian principles. My father was inconsistent. Mostly, he was uninvolved; but occasionally he would intervene; usually to take something away.
I don't blame my parents for how they were. They did the best they could, given where they were coming from and the paucity of information they had available to them. They were both suffering with their own mental health issues and challenges.
I have discovered, primarily through genealogy research, that there is a history of mental illness in both family lines. Something hidden and approached with shame.
What I can do for myself now, is to use that fair, kind parenting style in constructing my new life. To not be so hard on myself. Focus on what I did right; learn from what I did wrong.
And perhaps by being more open about my illness, I can help de-stimagtize mental illness for those around me.
Sibling relations & community support
I would say there was an uneven hand in our sibling relations. Mostly, I think my mother was overwhelmed. Then, and I'm certain this is perceived differently by each of us, different siblings were favorites at different times, by different family members. Between my siblings in myself, we were pretty much left to work out our relations on our own.
As far as external community connections, we had the Church community; and my mother tried to get involved with things like Brownies.
But I'm not sure there was a sense of belonging, or support available. The Church community was exclusive, and the belief system set us apart from the rest of the world. In fact, we were not to mingle with "unbelievers" except to proselytize/convert them. The answer to every problem was prayer and if something was "wrong" it was shameful, a failure of faith and tended to be hidden.
We belonged to a rural community, and there wasn't much in the way of supports available. And, much like the Church, if people had problems, it was something more to be whispered about, a source of shame, to be dealt with behind closed doors.
I think what my mother tried to do in terms of becoming involved in the local community at the level of us children was good; but by that time I was older and well on my way to being "apart".
This all led to an isolated, restricted life for me, with very little in the way of community connection. In fact, I was probably raised to distrust others, with the expectation I would be persecuted for my religion. There was a great deal of intolerance, as we were taught that our "truth" was the only truth. We were right and the rest of the world was wrong.
My experience demonstrates some of the negative aspects of what can happen in religious communities of any faith. They can generate a sense of elitism, exclusivity, and intolerance. There is a tendency for members to be self and other, critical/judgmental. This not a healthy mindset conducive to embracing our membership in humanity on the planet.
I know not all churches are like this; and being part of a church or religious community is generally thought of as a positive, additive aspect of an individual's life. Generally, it gives one a sense of belonging, a connection with a community of shared values, a spiritual sense of something bigger than ourselves. Usually, there are many social activities connected with membership, and as an aspect of the religious practices.
To summarize, I think there was an uneven hand in the treatment of my siblings and myself; and little in the way of community connection/supports available. Additionally, what little community connection I did have via the Church tended to contribute to further isolation.
The more I write about what is required to raise a resilient child, the more I understand why I don't have this attribute, and realize the work involved to build this in myself.
Although I left the Church, I can see how my tendency to isolate and hold myself apart remains. It is going to require some effort on my part to reconnect with the world; to build healthy honest relationships with others. To become more tolerant and accepting. To reach out, rather than tuck in (and roll :).
No person is an island; although we may feel that way sometimes.
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