Transforming Perfectionism II

While referring to suggestions in How to be Happy Without Being Perfect, I'd like to summarize the techniques I feel work for me.

Acceptance

"to accept the things I cannot change"

I think acceptance is huge for a perfectionist. Our entire lives are based on not accepting the way things are. Of striving for something better. Something perfect. We are devoted to being perfect. Wanting things to be perfect. It is an unrealistic, dysfunctional task.

Yes, we can change ourselves, and part of this, is learning how to let things just be as they are, in the moment.

Thus far, the best method I have found to begin practicing acceptance, is  meditation. There are many forms of, approaches to, and practices of meditation; but the type I have found works best for me is Guided Meditation.

I have auto tapes of words already running in my head, so listening to someone talk me through what I am supposed to be doing fits better for me than trying to clear my mind completely--at least in this stage of my meditation work.

I recommend: Adyashanti, True Meditation, the art of just letting everything be as it is in this moment.  The practice of not trying to control or do anything; accepting that everything is as it should be, for just 30 minutes, is my baby step in learning how to let go of my constant vigilance for perfection.

Change/Action + Wisdom

"...to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Change can only occur when we identify what is wrong.  As has been said:

"Name it; claim it; change it."

This is where the wisdom comes in as well.  I identify one of the elements of wisdom as insight.  Self-awareness.

If we can't see our patterns of behavior, or if we are too attached to, too identified with them to let them go; then we won't be able to change.  And we will continue to blame others and rationalize our dysfunction.

When I started this section on perfectionism, I felt that being a perfectionist was a good thing.  I was on the side of defending perfectionism. 

The more I read the research, the more I realize the detrimental part my perfectionism has played in my life, from childhood to the present.

I'm beginning to suspect that perfectionism is behind my desire to die and "start over".  That perfectionism is the underlying cause of much of the sadness and hopelessness that takes me over from time to time.

I got frozen in a childhood coping mechanism that isn't working for me.  To suggest that perfectionism is an immature, unreasonable approach to life would leave most perfectionists aghast; as we often feel we are the only responsible conscientious ones.  We watch ourselves slave and be stressed; while others relax, enjoy life, let things go.

But I'm beginning to see where the desire for order, cleanliness, organization, to do well, to make things better, can slide into an obsession with detrimental side effects and little pay off.

An emotionally mature person would have distance, give things their proper weight and perspective.  Be able to roll with the punches and get back up.  Carry on.

So how do we pull back from the edge of perfectionist obsession abyss?

To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Ruminating + Forgiveness

Ruminates and beats oneself up over errors or mistakes

The two topics today are related.  Additionally, I believe they were also mentioned in the Pscyhology of Happiness section.

Ruminating appears to contribute to mental illness and impacts negatively on happiness.  Why do we do it?

I think things over excessively when I feel hurt, misunderstood, or attacked.  When things "go wrong".  To put a positive spin on it, I like to think I'm reviewing my behavior, to see where I went wrong.  To "learn the lesson" of the experience. 

But to be honest, I lose control of the process.  I find it hard to dismiss my thoughts about what happened, and I'm certain I contribute to the duration and depth of the pain I feel, unless I can find some way inside myself to resolve it.  I find it virtually impossible to just dismiss it, as I have observed others being able to do.

I have to find some way of rationalizing it, explaining it, detonating the pain of whatever happened--if I can.  Often I can't, and things stay with me for a very long time.  Sometimes, time doesn't heal; it just accumulates.  Perhaps I don't think of what happened as often as I once did; but if it is unresolved, it is still there.  Ready to be triggered, re-visited, and contribute to a personal world view that is essentially painful, frustrating, filled with futility.

From what I understand, the therapeutic tools used to stop ruminating consist of garnering control of my thoughts, distracting, re-framing, gaining perspective, giving things their proper weight in the scheme of things, accepting.  These are all tools I am working on; but far from mastering.

Inability to forgive oneself or others

This is something I've been working on for a long time.  In this area, the practices one is taught in Christianity are useful; but difficult to fully actualize.

One thing I can attest to: there is nothing to be gained by not forgiving.  Continuing to hate and be upset only hurts me.  No one is going to "learn a lesson" through my lack of forgiveness.

On the other hand, I know I am cautious to spend time again with people who have hurt me.  My guard is up.  There is some sort of fine line between forgiving; while still being assertive and self-protective.

Learning how to forgive myself is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially as I try so hard to be "perfect".  To do my best.  I have a hard time getting over an error; or even the perception of an error.  (Sometimes I have been blamed for things I didn't do--that's a hard one.  Especially when it is simply one person's word and perceptions against another's.)

When I have felt the "error" was too great for me to live with; I have often cut and run.  Destroying myself, and everything I had built.  Often, over something very small.  I didn't have perspective.  For most of my life, I didn't even discuss what was happening with anyone else.  I felt I couldn't.  No one would understand. 

Or, I didn't want to admit what had happened.  When I was younger, things seemed much bigger than they were.  I didn't realize, that in the scheme of things, in the overall tangent of a life, it's more the running away that would "hurt" me; than staying and living down whatever I thought I had done that was so bad.

Acceptance.  It's a huge word.  And another difficult practice.  Especially as in the Western world, we've been taught to rail against things--even death.  We've been taught to get up and change what we don't like or don't want.  "Don't push the river."  What's that about?  We've been taught to dam up the river, divert its flow.  Conquer the river; dominate it.  Create a river where one didn't exist before.

Learning how to have more than one gear in life; and that one of those gears is to accept exactly what is now, exactly as it is, including myself--to be as completely at rest as I can learn how to be--that is something new and strange and marvelous.  Again, something I haven't mastered--but I'm working on it.