Transforming Perfectionism II

While referring to suggestions in How to be Happy Without Being Perfect, I'd like to summarize the techniques I feel work for me.

Acceptance

"to accept the things I cannot change"

I think acceptance is huge for a perfectionist. Our entire lives are based on not accepting the way things are. Of striving for something better. Something perfect. We are devoted to being perfect. Wanting things to be perfect. It is an unrealistic, dysfunctional task.

Yes, we can change ourselves, and part of this, is learning how to let things just be as they are, in the moment.

Thus far, the best method I have found to begin practicing acceptance, is  meditation. There are many forms of, approaches to, and practices of meditation; but the type I have found works best for me is Guided Meditation.

I have auto tapes of words already running in my head, so listening to someone talk me through what I am supposed to be doing fits better for me than trying to clear my mind completely--at least in this stage of my meditation work.

I recommend: Adyashanti, True Meditation, the art of just letting everything be as it is in this moment.  The practice of not trying to control or do anything; accepting that everything is as it should be, for just 30 minutes, is my baby step in learning how to let go of my constant vigilance for perfection.

Change/Action + Wisdom

"...to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Change can only occur when we identify what is wrong.  As has been said:

"Name it; claim it; change it."

This is where the wisdom comes in as well.  I identify one of the elements of wisdom as insight.  Self-awareness.

If we can't see our patterns of behavior, or if we are too attached to, too identified with them to let them go; then we won't be able to change.  And we will continue to blame others and rationalize our dysfunction.

When I started this section on perfectionism, I felt that being a perfectionist was a good thing.  I was on the side of defending perfectionism. 

The more I read the research, the more I realize the detrimental part my perfectionism has played in my life, from childhood to the present.

I'm beginning to suspect that perfectionism is behind my desire to die and "start over".  That perfectionism is the underlying cause of much of the sadness and hopelessness that takes me over from time to time.

I got frozen in a childhood coping mechanism that isn't working for me.  To suggest that perfectionism is an immature, unreasonable approach to life would leave most perfectionists aghast; as we often feel we are the only responsible conscientious ones.  We watch ourselves slave and be stressed; while others relax, enjoy life, let things go.

But I'm beginning to see where the desire for order, cleanliness, organization, to do well, to make things better, can slide into an obsession with detrimental side effects and little pay off.

An emotionally mature person would have distance, give things their proper weight and perspective.  Be able to roll with the punches and get back up.  Carry on.

So how do we pull back from the edge of perfectionist obsession abyss?

To be continued...

"Flow" & Creativity

I've been thinking a lot about "flow". It seems to be an important component in creativity, meditation, physical and mental mastery that all humans crave.

I've thought back to times in my life when I have achieved flow without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

Sailing comes to mind.  There is that moment of perfect mastery.  With your hand on the rudder, the sails taunt with wind, in total  silent synchronicity with the elements on a sparkling sunny day.  There was nothing like it to take me away.

I imagine rock climbing, scaling the side of mountain, a rock face; focused on that next hand hold, that next toe niche must also have a similar feel of mastery.

I used to organize special events.  I know the feeling of pulling off a near perfect event, with hundreds of people.  Me, as the silent, behind-the-scenes conductor.  Having thought of everything, anticipating every possible glitch.  Everyone doing their jobs according to plan.  My skills set in communicating and organizing, meeting and matching the task at hand.  Flow in the moment and a deep sense of satisfaction, mastery.

Even creating a beautiful garden, pruning a bush just right, painting a picture, throwing a pot, painting a room a beautiful shade, playing a concerto, building something.  I imagine all these thing can create a sense of flow.

And aside from "doing", I think through meditation or prayer, it is possible to connect with spirit in a way that surpasses daily life in something Lyubomirsky calls "superflow".

At the same time, I am aware of activities that I'm certain create flow, but which can be very damaging when done to excess.

I imagine gaming can create a feeling of mastery and satisfaction as one moves from level to level in the game, pitting one's skills against the the game designer's mind; learning new skills which allow one to move forward in the game.

However, I've seen what excessive gaming can do.  It takes people away from their families.  It seems to compel people to stay up all night, begin to miss work.  The fantasy world of the game gives one a feeling of effectiveness one may not have have in their actual lives.

I can see gaming being used as a tool of distraction--a tool we all need to have in our belts in some form, as we cope with life's vagaries.  And I'm certain it creates flow.  But as with everything, balance is also a state we must seek.

I've also observed artists, who while creating incredible works of art, neglect their children.  Ignore their partners.  Neglect their financial obligations and even their own physical health.

What is "a good life" after all?  Surely it is one where we can fulfill ourselves and our potential; but not at the expense of others.  Perhaps people who have found flow in their work which will ill suit them for being parents should be careful in making that choice.

So a cautionary note about flow.  Yes, we should seek ways of increasing flow in our lives; whether it be through cleaning the house, our jobs, creating a work of art, meditation--but not become addicted to it to the point of neglecting ourselves and others.  Flow is a practice, another tool which can increase happiness, which can improve the quality of or lives; but all things in balance and in health. Or, as the medical profession might say: To do no harm.

Practicing Happiness: Ruminating and Comparing

Obsessive rumination and comparing myself to others. Guilty.

Let me start with comparing myself to others.  I think it is human to do this; but ultimately self-defeating, serving no good purpose.

It may look as though others have it easier, better; but there is really no way I can know what is going on in someone else's life.  What they are going through, what they have been through.  What they may have yet to come.

Suffice it to say, that if someone is here on Planet Earth (I like to call it Earth School) they are here to learn lessons and grow--otherwise they wouldn't be here.  And they will have challenges at some point or another.

So comparing myself to others is useless.  I need to concentrate on my own journey, my own lessons and stay focused on that.

As for excessive rumination and over-thinking...

I may think I'm getting to the bottom of something...but I'm not.  And in the meantime, I'm not performing well. Ruminating interferes with concentration.

If I'm getting jolted by every pebble on the road, every negative comment someone makes, I'll never get anywhere. Happy people don't do this.  They don't look for all the cracks, leaks and holes.

So stop doing this.  How?

1) Become aware of my thoughts and take control of them.  Distract myself with something positive.  Write it out and leave it.  Or talk with someone, and leave it.

If necessary, wear an elastic band around my wrist and snap it, when I find myself ruminating or comparing.

2) Take one small step towards solving the problem, if there actually is a problem.

3) Meditate.  Meditation helps ground me and give me perspective.  It helps me be less reactive.

4) Learn thought mastery through letting go of the small stuff.  Will this matter in a year?  Does this matter in the Universe? What is the lesson?

Becoming aware of my thoughts is key.  Then use some of these tools--such as distraction and meditation--as practices towards feeling better.  If I can stop thinking thoughts that undermine me, I will be happier.

DBT Therapy - Mindfulness

I think I first became aware of Mindfulness through Eckhart Tolle's book, Be Here Now.

It's a lot about slowing down, savouring the moment.  Being present. 

In an effort to cobble together a program for myself (in lieu of being able to get in for DBT therapy) I have found the following which I can recommend:

1. Eckart Tolle's book.
2. Jon Kabat-Zinn - CD
3. Joan Borysenko - CD


I find I like directed meditations; but one can also light a candle, listen to soft music, focus on a flower in a vase...take a walk in nature, eat something fabulous slowly and mindfully...

The ways of getting "connected" are endless.  The important thing is to set aside some time to actually do it.  As a practice.

It's crazy how I sometimes avoid calming myself down and practicing what I know to do.  But I keep trying...bringing myself back to the practice.

I am also looking for a "mindfulness" group to go to once a week, which I haven't found as yet.

As an introvert, it takes a lot of energy for me to go to groups; but I find it  very helpful when I make the effort.  There is something about doing "my work" together with others who are similar; yet different.  'Helps me remember I am not alone, no matter how I'm feeling.