Individual Factors - Learning Strengths

Continuing with the book: Growing up Resilient...

Learning Strengths

Okay.  Indicators are, that intelligence is a positive factor in resilience.  I have often thought the opposite.  I envied people who seemed less intelligent than I, because I thought they didn't see or understand all the things I saw and absorbed=which was equivalent to my unhappiness and despair.

However, as we now know, there are many kinds of intelligence.  And as in Darwin's quote from yesterday, it doesn't matter how intelligent we are if we haven't learned how to adapt.

What are the resilience intelligence factors?  Creativity--seeing more than one solution to a problem.  Creativity can also help in seeing the problem in a different way--reframing, changing perspective.

Problem-solving itself.  Being able to think things through to outcomes.  Weighing the pros and cons.  Setting goals.  Setting realistic limitations and expectations.  Being able to cope with time-lines and measurable results.  Using failures or less than optimum results as lessons and feedback to redefine the process.

Challenge=Mastery.  This is so necessary at every time in our lives.  Whether we are children or adults, we need to be adequately challenged and stimulated to grow and overcome.  To feel alive.  To be well.  And, as we take on challenges appropriate to our ability, we can overcome and achieve mastery.  With mastery, comes happiness and experience, on which we can build towards taking on greater challenges.

I think what has happened for me in my past, is that I took on challenges that were greater than what I could realistically achieve--especially with my mental illness, which was undiagnosed and untreated at the time.  So, of course I crashed.  I wasn't able to do it, and I beat myself up.  Contributing to the frequent downward spirals from which I suffered.

What I can do now is to first, gear down.  Slow down and find the level of activity in my life where I can achieve balance.  Then, taking baby steps, add some challenges where I may not excel, and where it may not matter.  I need some practice with not being perfect.

And/or add some challenges in areas where I have failed in the past, and take baby steps.  E.g. Instead of registering in a program, take just one course and see how that goes.

I may never be able to carry the full load of life which other people seem able to carry.  But to be healthy and continue to grow, I need to continue to challenge myself to the levels I can handle or achieve.

Humour.  Some forms of humour are amazingly intelligent requiring great agility of the mind.  If we can see everyday things in an unusual way and learn to laugh at our own idiosyncrasies, we can often overcome many obstacles.  Besides, laughing makes us feel better.

And finally, social intelligence and emotional intelligence figure in here somewhere.  More on this next posting.

Perfectionism: Mastery vs Helplessness

In first year Psychology, we learned about "loci of control".  That is, how some people perceive control of their lives as being external to themselves, and how others perceive control of their lives as inner generated.

I immediately identified with this, thinking my parents were external locus people (i.e. people who perceived things "happening to them"; that God, the government, their bosses--someone else was in control of their lives); and that I was an internal locus person (i.e. I believed I was in control of my life and what happened to me.  That I could make things happen.)

Now.  We know that life is a combination of both, and this is where the Serenity Prayer comes in--having the wisdom to know when to accept things and when to make changes.  Having more than one gear with which to respond to life.

There is also a quote I like about being young:

"We believed we could do anything, only because we had done nothing yet."

Back to perfectionism.  It is noted that those who exhibit the first type of perfectionism (self-oriented perfectionism) have an inner drive to be perfect themselves--a motivation that doesn't come primarily, from exterior expectations, from the outside.

Flett and Hewitt have found that self-oriented perfectionism may have an adaptive component due to the intrinsic motivation and persistence involved in rising to one's own standards.  In other words, there is a sense of mastery involved in trying to be perfect for oneself.  And, as we know from the section on the Psychology of Happiness, a sense of mastery and having some control over one's life is a component of happiness and well-being.

Other researchers (Dweck & Leggett) have found that those with a mastery orientation tend to persist when they are confronted with a challenging situation or problem.  They continue to engage in problem-solving and cope with problems in a task-focused manner until a solution has been reached.

The downside, though, for us who are inner-motivated in our quest for perfection, is that we attach too much personal value and identification with the outcome of our efforts, and are devastated when we fail.  Or even if we get less than what we were striving for (eg. A "C" when one was striving for an "A").

Additionally, we tend to indulge in high levels of self-criticism and lack of self acceptance, which can result in a negative view of oneself and low self-esteem.

To conclude, if you are going to be a perfectionist to any degree, it is best to be inner motivated than outer motivated in terms of your emotional health.

It is almost always good to try to do one's best; but try to have some "Buddha detachment" about the outcome.  Don't take it personally.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  Mistakes are lessons--not a death penalty.

Which leads me to my next topic of inquiry: resilience and adaptability.

How can we pick ourselves up and keep going, not give up, when things don't turn out?

"Flow" & Creativity

I've been thinking a lot about "flow". It seems to be an important component in creativity, meditation, physical and mental mastery that all humans crave.

I've thought back to times in my life when I have achieved flow without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

Sailing comes to mind.  There is that moment of perfect mastery.  With your hand on the rudder, the sails taunt with wind, in total  silent synchronicity with the elements on a sparkling sunny day.  There was nothing like it to take me away.

I imagine rock climbing, scaling the side of mountain, a rock face; focused on that next hand hold, that next toe niche must also have a similar feel of mastery.

I used to organize special events.  I know the feeling of pulling off a near perfect event, with hundreds of people.  Me, as the silent, behind-the-scenes conductor.  Having thought of everything, anticipating every possible glitch.  Everyone doing their jobs according to plan.  My skills set in communicating and organizing, meeting and matching the task at hand.  Flow in the moment and a deep sense of satisfaction, mastery.

Even creating a beautiful garden, pruning a bush just right, painting a picture, throwing a pot, painting a room a beautiful shade, playing a concerto, building something.  I imagine all these thing can create a sense of flow.

And aside from "doing", I think through meditation or prayer, it is possible to connect with spirit in a way that surpasses daily life in something Lyubomirsky calls "superflow".

At the same time, I am aware of activities that I'm certain create flow, but which can be very damaging when done to excess.

I imagine gaming can create a feeling of mastery and satisfaction as one moves from level to level in the game, pitting one's skills against the the game designer's mind; learning new skills which allow one to move forward in the game.

However, I've seen what excessive gaming can do.  It takes people away from their families.  It seems to compel people to stay up all night, begin to miss work.  The fantasy world of the game gives one a feeling of effectiveness one may not have have in their actual lives.

I can see gaming being used as a tool of distraction--a tool we all need to have in our belts in some form, as we cope with life's vagaries.  And I'm certain it creates flow.  But as with everything, balance is also a state we must seek.

I've also observed artists, who while creating incredible works of art, neglect their children.  Ignore their partners.  Neglect their financial obligations and even their own physical health.

What is "a good life" after all?  Surely it is one where we can fulfill ourselves and our potential; but not at the expense of others.  Perhaps people who have found flow in their work which will ill suit them for being parents should be careful in making that choice.

So a cautionary note about flow.  Yes, we should seek ways of increasing flow in our lives; whether it be through cleaning the house, our jobs, creating a work of art, meditation--but not become addicted to it to the point of neglecting ourselves and others.  Flow is a practice, another tool which can increase happiness, which can improve the quality of or lives; but all things in balance and in health. Or, as the medical profession might say: To do no harm.