Ruminates and beats oneself up over errors or mistakes
The two topics today are related. Additionally, I believe they were also mentioned in the Pscyhology of Happiness section.
Ruminating appears to contribute to mental illness and impacts negatively on happiness. Why do we do it?
I think things over excessively when I feel hurt, misunderstood, or attacked. When things "go wrong". To put a positive spin on it, I like to think I'm reviewing my behavior, to see where I went wrong. To "learn the lesson" of the experience.
But to be honest, I lose control of the process. I find it hard to dismiss my thoughts about what happened, and I'm certain I contribute to the duration and depth of the pain I feel, unless I can find some way inside myself to resolve it. I find it virtually impossible to just dismiss it, as I have observed others being able to do.
I have to find some way of rationalizing it, explaining it, detonating the pain of whatever happened--if I can. Often I can't, and things stay with me for a very long time. Sometimes, time doesn't heal; it just accumulates. Perhaps I don't think of what happened as often as I once did; but if it is unresolved, it is still there. Ready to be triggered, re-visited, and contribute to a personal world view that is essentially painful, frustrating, filled with futility.
From what I understand, the therapeutic tools used to stop ruminating consist of garnering control of my thoughts, distracting, re-framing, gaining perspective, giving things their proper weight in the scheme of things, accepting. These are all tools I am working on; but far from mastering.
Inability to forgive oneself or others
This is something I've been working on for a long time. In this area, the practices one is taught in Christianity are useful; but difficult to fully actualize.
One thing I can attest to: there is nothing to be gained by not forgiving. Continuing to hate and be upset only hurts me. No one is going to "learn a lesson" through my lack of forgiveness.
On the other hand, I know I am cautious to spend time again with people who have hurt me. My guard is up. There is some sort of fine line between forgiving; while still being assertive and self-protective.
Learning how to forgive myself is one of the hardest things to do. Especially as I try so hard to be "perfect". To do my best. I have a hard time getting over an error; or even the perception of an error. (Sometimes I have been blamed for things I didn't do--that's a hard one. Especially when it is simply one person's word and perceptions against another's.)
When I have felt the "error" was too great for me to live with; I have often cut and run. Destroying myself, and everything I had built. Often, over something very small. I didn't have perspective. For most of my life, I didn't even discuss what was happening with anyone else. I felt I couldn't. No one would understand.
Or, I didn't want to admit what had happened. When I was younger, things seemed much bigger than they were. I didn't realize, that in the scheme of things, in the overall tangent of a life, it's more the running away that would "hurt" me; than staying and living down whatever I thought I had done that was so bad.
Acceptance. It's a huge word. And another difficult practice. Especially as in the Western world, we've been taught to rail against things--even death. We've been taught to get up and change what we don't like or don't want. "Don't push the river." What's that about? We've been taught to dam up the river, divert its flow. Conquer the river; dominate it. Create a river where one didn't exist before.
Learning how to have more than one gear in life; and that one of those gears is to accept exactly what is now, exactly as it is, including myself--to be as completely at rest as I can learn how to be--that is something new and strange and marvelous. Again, something I haven't mastered--but I'm working on it.
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