BPD is one of 10 personality disorders as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association. Some better known personality disorders would be Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Schizoid Personality Disorder. (Think: Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets"; Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind".)*Note below
As someone with BPD, I have personality characteristics which have had consistent, serious negative effects in my life at work, school, and in interpersonal relationships.
I am also an introvert, so a lot of my anger and destructive behaviour goes underground, and has been hidden--except sometimes people find out--especially those closest to me.
So what happens? Much of the time, I am quite controlled and disciplined. I seem "normal". I can function, sometimes at quite a high level. Everything looks good.
Then. Something "bad" happens. It could be anything. Typical things that happen in life with which healthy people would and could cope. It could be a bad review. A low mark on a project. A disappointment. A let-down. A desertion. And then I am suddenly spiraling down into a suicidal depression and a range of self-destructive impulsive behaviours: drinking, indiscriminate sex, quitting everything and taking off on a trip, attempting suicide...
Impulsive and unstable. No sense of boundaries--an inability to form them or realize I need them. For a time, I look up to someone; then I become disenchanted or disappointed. I disconnect and discard. To the point I have pretty much cut relationships with anyone, even friends, out of my life. It is just too painful and upsetting.
***
There is an experiment I read about in first year Psychology that describes how I feel. (Warning: this experiment seems unnecessarily cruel and would probably not be permitted in today's ethical climate.)
Some researchers decided to measure resiliency in rats.
They put a rat in a bucket of water and timed how long it took for the rat to give up and sink to the bottom. Then, they removed the rat, gave it a rest, and put it in again.
They found the rat swam even longer in successive trials. The conclusion drawn: The rat swam longer because it had the experience and hope of being rescued.
Then, for some reason, they decided to cut the whiskers off a different rat and conduct the same experiment. As expected, the rat eventually gave up and sank to the bottom. As with the first rat, they removed it, gave it a rest, and and placed it in the bucket again.
To their surprise, the rat immediately gave up and sank to the bottom. They fished it out, gave it a rest, and tried again--with the same result.
I gather the conclusion would be that the damaged rat lacked resiliency, even when it had been given a reprieve and the chance of rescue.
I've always felt, all my life, like the rat without whiskers.
~~~
*Note: After reading more about personality disorders, I realize these movie references are probably incorrect. i.e. There is a difference between Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The movie references indicate my knowledge at the time I wrote this entry.
As someone with BPD, I have personality characteristics which have had consistent, serious negative effects in my life at work, school, and in interpersonal relationships.
I am also an introvert, so a lot of my anger and destructive behaviour goes underground, and has been hidden--except sometimes people find out--especially those closest to me.
So what happens? Much of the time, I am quite controlled and disciplined. I seem "normal". I can function, sometimes at quite a high level. Everything looks good.
Then. Something "bad" happens. It could be anything. Typical things that happen in life with which healthy people would and could cope. It could be a bad review. A low mark on a project. A disappointment. A let-down. A desertion. And then I am suddenly spiraling down into a suicidal depression and a range of self-destructive impulsive behaviours: drinking, indiscriminate sex, quitting everything and taking off on a trip, attempting suicide...
Impulsive and unstable. No sense of boundaries--an inability to form them or realize I need them. For a time, I look up to someone; then I become disenchanted or disappointed. I disconnect and discard. To the point I have pretty much cut relationships with anyone, even friends, out of my life. It is just too painful and upsetting.
***
There is an experiment I read about in first year Psychology that describes how I feel. (Warning: this experiment seems unnecessarily cruel and would probably not be permitted in today's ethical climate.)
Some researchers decided to measure resiliency in rats.
They put a rat in a bucket of water and timed how long it took for the rat to give up and sink to the bottom. Then, they removed the rat, gave it a rest, and put it in again.
They found the rat swam even longer in successive trials. The conclusion drawn: The rat swam longer because it had the experience and hope of being rescued.
Then, for some reason, they decided to cut the whiskers off a different rat and conduct the same experiment. As expected, the rat eventually gave up and sank to the bottom. As with the first rat, they removed it, gave it a rest, and and placed it in the bucket again.
To their surprise, the rat immediately gave up and sank to the bottom. They fished it out, gave it a rest, and tried again--with the same result.
I gather the conclusion would be that the damaged rat lacked resiliency, even when it had been given a reprieve and the chance of rescue.
I've always felt, all my life, like the rat without whiskers.
~~~
*Note: After reading more about personality disorders, I realize these movie references are probably incorrect. i.e. There is a difference between Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The movie references indicate my knowledge at the time I wrote this entry.
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