The Perfection Deception

Perfectionism.  What is it exactly, and why do we have it?

I think part of it is genetic, as well as environmental.  If one grows up with a perfectionist, one may be more likely to be a perfectionist.  But I have also seen children who rebel against whatever it is they grew up with as well, and not become perfectionists.  Or impose perfectionism on themselves, because their situation at home was far from perfect.

Whatever it is that causes it, perfectionism is a deception.  Because in our world, nothing will ever be perfect all the time.  I think there are perfect moments but they don't last, and that's life.

To hold oneself to being perfect in everything, causes untold stress.  For me, it led to suicide and self-destruction. It is an unhealthy, unrealistic way to be.  And it is pretty much self-imposed.  We do this to ourselves--in our minds.  In how we think about things.

For me, it is a compulsion.  I speculate that I am overcompensating or trying to "fix" things.  And by now, it has become a habit, a way of life--which can be destructive.

It is easy for me to feel "less than", to sense rejection where none actually exists.  Perhaps I imagine that if I do things perfectly, no one will have reason to reject me.

And what about rejection?  It happens to everyone--often for no apparent reason.  So why haven't I learned how to accept:  An imperfect world?  That not everyone is going to embrace me?  How and why haven't I learned to let those things go and roll with the punches? Not become so devastated?

For the coming entries in this blog, I am going to be exploring Alice Domar's book: Be happy without being perfect, to see what she has to say.
(Co-authored with Alice Kelly.)

Elements of Perfectionism - Over commitment + Delegating

Looking at the handout provided by the outpatient program on the topic of perfectionism, I identify with the following:

- Over comitting oneself
- Rarely designating work to others
- Need for control
- Competitive
- Gets carried away with details
- Never seems satisfied
- Constantly busying oneself
- Self and other critical
- Has a difficult time accepting criticism
- Tends to give greater weight to negative comments than positive ones
- Checks and rechecks one's own work and the work of others
- Ruminates and beats oneself up over errors or mistakes
- Inability to forgive oneself or others

I'd like to explore each of the statements above:

Over committing myself

This has been so true in my life.  And so devastating.

Why do I do that?  As I have learned, I frequently under-estimate the amount of time it takes to do a task and overload myself, thinking I can do everything, as though I am some sort of super human. [It helped when I was an insomniac.]

I am an achiever.  Sometimes an overachiever.  I like to get up and do things. 'Gives me a lot of satisfaction.  A sense of purpose.  And sometimes, I have actually been able to keep all those balls in the air without crashing.  And of course in the workplace, such ability is rewarded.  Then they expect more bricks with less straw next time 'round.

If I could say anything about over committing, it is this:  I have not been realistic about my limits.  I have not been balanced.  I didn't build in breaks.  I didn't set boundaries with myself and others.  I didn't even understand what boundaries were until recently.

What is it inside me that causes me to want to exceed normalcy?  The drive, the desire to be consumed by an activity, a cause?  Is this a bad thing?  Can I learn to control it/channel it constructively?

Rarely designating work to others

This tendency is often seen as a control issue, as well as thinking no one can do it as well as moi.

I'd like to introduce some other explanations which are closer to my "truth".

First, concurrent with over committing, I didn't think I needed anyone else's help.  I thought I could do it all myself.  Everything.  If only I would try hard enough. To need someone else's help, for me, I would have seen that as weakness and inadequacy.  How I got those ideas I have no idea.  I'd like to blame Christianity--but I'm not sure that totally explains the phenomena.

Secondly, I have never learned how to ask.  For help.  That's a biggie.  I can ask for help for other people.  I can clearly see when other people need help; but I can't see it for myself.

Thirdly, I very much resent other people trying to delegate their work to me.  Unless there is a clear line of command which I can respect and understand, I don't like others to attempt practicing their "executive powers" with me. i.e. It's your idea.  You research and run with it.  Don't waste my time with this, and don't think I have more time than you.  And...if I do this for you, don't think I'm necessarily committed to it.  I did it because I am nice.  Now it's your job to build commitment.

[For someone who doesn't have boundaries, I seem to have clear ideas of how I think things should go.]

Consequently, when I try to delegate some of "my work" to others, I feel false.  I don't like it when others delegate their work to me, so I hesitate to do likewise.

To be continued...

Perfectionism

While I am uncertain if perfectionism is a symptom of BPD, I know that being a perfectionist can cause undue stress in one's life and unrealistic expectations.

I am all for having high standards and quality control; but when those standards become so high no one, including myself, can actually achieve them; or if ever, only rarely, I have to ask myself how functional holding myself and others to a standard of "perfect" can be?  What purpose does it serve? Does this add to my life or does it make it more difficult?

Earlier this year I attended an outpatient day program for mental health.  One of the topics addressed was perfectionism.  Imagine sitting in a room, where instead of being the only huffy disparaging perfectionist in sight, nearly everyone present self-identified as a perfectionist.  I would extrapolate, from the high number of perfectionists present, that perfectionism may be a contributing factor to mental illness.

Not all of the descriptors of perfectionism are true for me.  For example, I see myself as usually decisive and don't procrastinate.  I can come to the place where I think: Yes. This is perfect.  I don't want to touch a thing.  And it feels very good, "right" inside when that happens.  And most of the time, I'm not striving for external approval; instead, I'm trying to achieve the vision I have in my head for a project--for that feeling of "Yes. This is right."  When that happens, I have a wonderful sense of satisfaction.

Even the researchers differ in their views of perfectionism. It seems that it is good to strive for excellence; but not to obsess or constantly give everything the same weight.

I'd like to write about the things that "speak" to me about perfectionism: both the positive and negative aspects, in an effort to understand how this may contribute to my disorder, making my life more difficult.  What can I do to diminish the negative aspects of perfectionism? While, at the same time, celebrate what I feel are the positive aspects.  What I can take away from having all this extra sensitivity to life?  What I can keep, in a healthy way, of something I think rather defines me?

[I will provide a list of researchers and publications at the end of this section re: Perfectionism for those who would like to read more; rather than trying to provide references, citations, footnotes as I explore this topic.]

Resistance to therapy and treatment

It is said BPD clients are resistant to treatment--much to the despair of anyone trying to help.

From my own experience, I can understand the BPD resistance. When we feel well, we are highly functioning. How many times have I made appointments when I am depressed and suicidal, only to cancel.  By the time the appointment comes around, I am feeling better and don't think I need help. No one wants to be sick.

It is said that BPD clients are often highly intelligent. But this too is a stumbling block--and no doubt a great frustration to others who see and relate to the sparks of intellect, while watching it go nowhere, be wasted, and the BPD client seemingly unable to utilize that intelligence to get well.

The BPD blogs I have read are diffuse with literary references, points of brilliance and insight.  Highly operating vocabularies, descriptive; some well-versed in mental health lingo and the idiosyncrasies of their particular health care system.

The truth is, this intellectualizing and superior intellect (real or imagined) can get in the way of getting help.

How many times have I sat in meetings or groups and thought: this isn't for me.  There is nothing grabbing my attention here.  This is elementary--too simplistic.  This may work for other people; but I need something more.

Or sat with a therapist and hoped they would "guess" what is wrong.  Or even in my mind, question the intelligence of the people helping me.

It is sad to admit.  Perhaps part of the problem with BPD is we can be pretty nasty and superior.  Possibly this is part of why we don't come back.  Why we don't finish programs of treatment.

We make idealized demands on ourselves and others.  Often we ourselves cannot measure up; and we are unrealistically disappointed in others. The source of much self and other, loathing and disdain.

Perfectionism and idealism, while admirable and desirable in certain contexts, can be maladaptive.  These characteristics in me, have made much of my life hell, as I destroy and throw out what doesn't measure up--myself included.