Elements of Perfectionism - Ruminating + Forgiveness

Ruminates and beats oneself up over errors or mistakes

The two topics today are related.  Additionally, I believe they were also mentioned in the Pscyhology of Happiness section.

Ruminating appears to contribute to mental illness and impacts negatively on happiness.  Why do we do it?

I think things over excessively when I feel hurt, misunderstood, or attacked.  When things "go wrong".  To put a positive spin on it, I like to think I'm reviewing my behavior, to see where I went wrong.  To "learn the lesson" of the experience. 

But to be honest, I lose control of the process.  I find it hard to dismiss my thoughts about what happened, and I'm certain I contribute to the duration and depth of the pain I feel, unless I can find some way inside myself to resolve it.  I find it virtually impossible to just dismiss it, as I have observed others being able to do.

I have to find some way of rationalizing it, explaining it, detonating the pain of whatever happened--if I can.  Often I can't, and things stay with me for a very long time.  Sometimes, time doesn't heal; it just accumulates.  Perhaps I don't think of what happened as often as I once did; but if it is unresolved, it is still there.  Ready to be triggered, re-visited, and contribute to a personal world view that is essentially painful, frustrating, filled with futility.

From what I understand, the therapeutic tools used to stop ruminating consist of garnering control of my thoughts, distracting, re-framing, gaining perspective, giving things their proper weight in the scheme of things, accepting.  These are all tools I am working on; but far from mastering.

Inability to forgive oneself or others

This is something I've been working on for a long time.  In this area, the practices one is taught in Christianity are useful; but difficult to fully actualize.

One thing I can attest to: there is nothing to be gained by not forgiving.  Continuing to hate and be upset only hurts me.  No one is going to "learn a lesson" through my lack of forgiveness.

On the other hand, I know I am cautious to spend time again with people who have hurt me.  My guard is up.  There is some sort of fine line between forgiving; while still being assertive and self-protective.

Learning how to forgive myself is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially as I try so hard to be "perfect".  To do my best.  I have a hard time getting over an error; or even the perception of an error.  (Sometimes I have been blamed for things I didn't do--that's a hard one.  Especially when it is simply one person's word and perceptions against another's.)

When I have felt the "error" was too great for me to live with; I have often cut and run.  Destroying myself, and everything I had built.  Often, over something very small.  I didn't have perspective.  For most of my life, I didn't even discuss what was happening with anyone else.  I felt I couldn't.  No one would understand. 

Or, I didn't want to admit what had happened.  When I was younger, things seemed much bigger than they were.  I didn't realize, that in the scheme of things, in the overall tangent of a life, it's more the running away that would "hurt" me; than staying and living down whatever I thought I had done that was so bad.

Acceptance.  It's a huge word.  And another difficult practice.  Especially as in the Western world, we've been taught to rail against things--even death.  We've been taught to get up and change what we don't like or don't want.  "Don't push the river."  What's that about?  We've been taught to dam up the river, divert its flow.  Conquer the river; dominate it.  Create a river where one didn't exist before.

Learning how to have more than one gear in life; and that one of those gears is to accept exactly what is now, exactly as it is, including myself--to be as completely at rest as I can learn how to be--that is something new and strange and marvelous.  Again, something I haven't mastered--but I'm working on it.

Elements of Perfectionsim - Negativity + Rechecking

Tends to give greater weight to negative comments than positive ones

I know this is very true of myself.  Again, I think this is something hard-wired in the brain.  In terms of survival, our brains are wired to note things that are wrong and might be threatening; rather than things that are right and nonthreatening.

It is a change in thinking and approach to focus on the positive rather than the negative and give things their proper weight.

Checks and rechecks one's own work and the work of others

I don't know that I check other people's work; although I'll be honest--I probably notice if something hasn't been done to my standards.  More and more, I try to let it go and not re-do it. Depending, of course, on the importance of whatever it is.

As for my own work, I know I check and re-check.  For instance, I've re-written or re-worded portions of this blog after I've published, if I notice an error or feel there is a better way to express what I'm trying to say.

It is very hard for me to simply let things go, until I'm certain it is the best I can do.  And eventually, I get a sense of satisfaction when I read through a number of times and feel I can't hone it any further.

For the written word, I feel this is an important exercise.  When there are errors in a text, I notice it immediately and feel disappointed.  I wonder why someone, an editor, didn't catch it.  I'm not certain why I attach so much importance to this; but I know it is an area where I'm excessively critical.  I judge professional intelligence, credibility and competence, by the documents produced by an individual or an organization.

Elements of Perfectionism - Criticism

Self and other critical

This is an area where I have been very harsh and intolerant--especially with those close to me.

First, I have been very hard on myself.  I often avoid taking things on or trying things at which I don't expect to excel.  I beat myself up over mistakes.

Secondly, I know I have been hard on others.  Holding myself to a high standard, I have unwarranted expectations of others and the world around me.

I have tried, in recent years, to understand that mistakes are lessons. To be more accepting and tolerant of others.  I have found more raw intelligence outside university than I ever found in it, and I have tried to be more open to different kinds of intelligence.

At the same time, I know my tendency is to judge and discriminate.  I wonder if this is an innate tendency we have hard-wired, to be able to chose between basic things like a good fruit and one that will make us sick?  Or if it is something we have learned from our families, society, institutions like schools and the Church?

I do know it is something I want to curb. I think it has cost me in human relationships and makes my life much more difficult than it needs to be.  If I am constantly looking for faults, in everything from the restaurant service to the way our cities are designed, I will constantly be agitated.

I am learning through the practice of meditation to accept everything just exactly as it is, myself included.  This is difficult, and contrary to much of what we have been taught and exhorted to do in the Western world.  However, I think it is necessary--to have peace within myself and with others.

Difficulty accepting criticism

When I am criticized, it always comes as a shock to me--because I always think I'm trying my best, and the other person must have misunderstood.

I do try to stay open and listen, try not to be defensive.  However, explaining oneself can sometimes be seen as defending oneself.

Being a perfectionist, I am always open to ways to improve. :)  I do take what people say seriously.  At the same time, I have often felt that criticism is either a) a misunderstanding or b) jealousy.

To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Dissatisfaction + Busy-ness

Never seems satisfied

This isn't entirely true.  There are times when I am very happy and satisfied.  As I have stated previously in this blog, there are times when I feel I have achieved that feeling of: This is right.  This is perfect.  I don't want to change a thing.

I especially have that feeling when I am in nature.  In fact, sometimes things are beyond perfect.

I also have that feeling sometimes in art galleries, with some forms of architecture, with food, music, a poem.  There are times and places where I am satisfied.

However, I know the tendency for me to notice things and get irritated by them is high.  This is partly due to my extra nerve endings, sensitivities to my environment, both physical and aesthetic.

But I question myself: How often is my dissatisfaction due to something I can't change; can't control?  How much am I setting myself up for grief by this semi-conscious "need" for perfection?  The continuous seeking for perfection.  For places and situations that "feel right"?

Why am I this way? Can I stop doing this?  Wouldn't life be much better if I could stop unconsciously seeking perfection or expecting it somehow?

Constant busy-ness

This describes me especially, when I was younger.  I often over-booked myself.  I had to be multi-tasking and packing in as many things as I could possibly do in a day.  I worked myself to a frazzle.

I enjoyed some sort of crazy satisfaction through achieving so much in a day.

Work came first.  In fact, I had no balance.  I didn't take breaks.  I didn't know how to play (and still don't).  Relationships meant little to me. 

Not to blame my poor mother; but I think her example to me as a child has considerable weight in how and why I valued work more than people.  That was her example from the grandmother who raised her.  Perhaps that was how it was with that entire generation.  Work, money, survival was more important that taking time to love or be with others.  They had too many children, too many responsibilities.  No money or leisure.  And men they couldn't count on.

I've tried to learn to stop overloading myself, to slow down, because I can't do it.  I keep having breakdowns.  I get overwhelmed and can't manage.

But I have to admit, I have a sense of guilt and futility, uselessness, because I can't keep up the pace.  Because I do breakdown.

I have to consider this self-generated pursuit of perfection has contributed to the never-ending busy-ness and a lower, less life-affirming degree of satisfaction.

To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Details

Gets carried away with details

Clearly, some of these elements and descriptors overlap.  I have identified excessive attention to details as part of how I get over committed, why I run out of time to complete projects.  My attention to details is often seen by others as indicative of my need for control.

Yet, at other times, my attention to details has been noticed, appreciated and rewarded in the workplace.

So, when to sweat the details?  And, when not to? 

I can only speak to where I have seen myself slide into a destructive pattern in my attention to details--where I think I have become unhealthy in trying to be perfect.  Some examples:

I quit a three year program where I was getting straight A's because, due to circumstances beyond my control, I was going to get a B or a C, in a core course.  I couldn't see beyond what was to me, a failure, to be able to roll with the punches and move on towards completing my diploma.

I was devastated and gave up.  "If I can't do it perfectly, why bother?"

I broke up with a boyfriend.  And rather than realizing that is part of life,  move on; I quit my job and moved to another city.  Not that a break-up is a "detail"; but what I did it is an example of "all or nothing" thinking.  I created a catastrophe out of a normal life event.

I have made my life much harder than it needed to be.  When something turned out badly, or less than I was aiming for, I gave up.

I have, upon occasion, cleaned things so much that I wrecked them.  Trying to make things perfect, I destroyed what I was working on.

I know it bothered me terribly, when I was in university, to be given a reading list that was impossible to complete in the time allotted. I know some of this could be seen as an inability to prioritize; but for me, I really wanted to read everything.  I didn't want to skim or leave things out--especially not at a university level--which I gave more weight than I should have.

It bothers me to leave things "undone".  Or at a level less than what I aspire to achieve.

I was once challenged by a therapist to choose something and do it "good enough".  Not perfectly; but good enough.  It felt "wrong" to do that.  It bothered me to leave the task in an "imperfect" state.

Clearly, this has made my life hell, and much more difficult than it has needed to be, with a lot of "incompletes".  Often I won't take something on, unless I know I can "ace it".  And I lacerate myself if I don't.

Add to that, how critical I can be of everything and everyone, my desire for perfection has ruined relationships, and made it very hard to live my life in the world as it is.  The imperfection of so many things, including my own involvements and activities, has filled me with despair.  Will anything ever be "right"?  These feelings have contributed to my desire to die.


To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Control + Competition

Need for control

I've tried to pull back from this in recent years, tried to be aware of myself enough not to impose my will on others; but I do know this is something strong within myself.  Often, I'm not aware of it until someone points it out.

On the positive side, as outlined in the Psychology of Happiness segment of this blog, having a sense of control in one's life, a sense of effectiveness, is one of the components of happiness.  As humans we need to feel a sense of control in our lives--otherwise, we feel less than human.  This need for self-determination has been the stuff of revolutions and wars, and the basis of much we hold dear in Western civilization.

On the negative side, hyper vigilance to control my environment can be taxing on me, as well as others.  Trying to control things I can't control.  Or attention to controlling details that don't need to be managed.

Why do I do it? I offer some tentative ideas:

First, I was an eldest child.  I felt it was my responsibility to look after the younger ones.  To care for them, protect them, and come up with activities to amuse them.

I think this natural ability to come up with a plan, a solution to a problem and lay it out is considered the stuff of leaders--a role I moved into naturally, in nearly every work situation--not because I wanted power; but because I was the only one to come up with a plan and workable ideas. People saw me, from a very young age, as someone they could depend on to get things done.  They trusted me and left me with the job.  So I did it. 

Second. Given my many extra nerve endings and sensitivities, I have a physical health need to control my immediate environment, in terms of cleanliness. 

To be able to live in any environment, I have to clean excessively in an attempt to get rid of as many allergens as possible.  This is simply a physical fact of health for me.  I know it can be interpreted as an attempt at control--which it absolutely is.  Perfumes, dust, dander, chemicals--they make me sick.  If I possibly can, I try to remove them. 

I'm also very sensitive to the aesthetic aspect of my environment.

Third. I acknowledge negative flack from the compulsion for control.  I like to think I have always been open to anyone else who had a better idea. 

I wonder if this "control" issue would be seen differently if I was a man.  I think it might be seen as initiative, instead. 

Possibly, as women have been relegated to domestic duties for thousands of years, by all the major religions, with very little they could legitimately do outside the home, we put all that brain power into aspects of managing a home.  (Something which Martha Steward has blown out into an empire.)

Probably, the degree of cleaning women do has contributed to infant/human survival rates; and as we know, the survival rates of women postpartum, as compared to doctors, in one of the early studies in the 1800s.

Details can sometimes make or break a business deal as well.  So when does attention to detail become destructive?  When is it constructive?

Control. I think it is an important aspect of human well-being.  Perhaps when it becomes an obsession or a compulsion with diminishing returns, damaging relationships, that is the point where it becomes unhealthy.

Competitive

I hate to admit it; but I do notice in myself, in certain situations, a desire rising to be the best. 

Again, this is admired, expected and accepted for males; but perhaps not so much for females.  And, I do see more value in collaboration than in competition--most of the time.

For the most part now, I try to shy away from competitive situations.  I don't want anyone, including myself, to feel "less than" because they didn't win this time.

Something about competition appears to be primal. But I think we can modify our competitive impulses when it isn't important, when it can be destructive.  At the same time, it is important to learn how to win and lose with grace.

To be continued...

Elements of Perfectionism - Over commitment + Delegating

Looking at the handout provided by the outpatient program on the topic of perfectionism, I identify with the following:

- Over comitting oneself
- Rarely designating work to others
- Need for control
- Competitive
- Gets carried away with details
- Never seems satisfied
- Constantly busying oneself
- Self and other critical
- Has a difficult time accepting criticism
- Tends to give greater weight to negative comments than positive ones
- Checks and rechecks one's own work and the work of others
- Ruminates and beats oneself up over errors or mistakes
- Inability to forgive oneself or others

I'd like to explore each of the statements above:

Over committing myself

This has been so true in my life.  And so devastating.

Why do I do that?  As I have learned, I frequently under-estimate the amount of time it takes to do a task and overload myself, thinking I can do everything, as though I am some sort of super human. [It helped when I was an insomniac.]

I am an achiever.  Sometimes an overachiever.  I like to get up and do things. 'Gives me a lot of satisfaction.  A sense of purpose.  And sometimes, I have actually been able to keep all those balls in the air without crashing.  And of course in the workplace, such ability is rewarded.  Then they expect more bricks with less straw next time 'round.

If I could say anything about over committing, it is this:  I have not been realistic about my limits.  I have not been balanced.  I didn't build in breaks.  I didn't set boundaries with myself and others.  I didn't even understand what boundaries were until recently.

What is it inside me that causes me to want to exceed normalcy?  The drive, the desire to be consumed by an activity, a cause?  Is this a bad thing?  Can I learn to control it/channel it constructively?

Rarely designating work to others

This tendency is often seen as a control issue, as well as thinking no one can do it as well as moi.

I'd like to introduce some other explanations which are closer to my "truth".

First, concurrent with over committing, I didn't think I needed anyone else's help.  I thought I could do it all myself.  Everything.  If only I would try hard enough. To need someone else's help, for me, I would have seen that as weakness and inadequacy.  How I got those ideas I have no idea.  I'd like to blame Christianity--but I'm not sure that totally explains the phenomena.

Secondly, I have never learned how to ask.  For help.  That's a biggie.  I can ask for help for other people.  I can clearly see when other people need help; but I can't see it for myself.

Thirdly, I very much resent other people trying to delegate their work to me.  Unless there is a clear line of command which I can respect and understand, I don't like others to attempt practicing their "executive powers" with me. i.e. It's your idea.  You research and run with it.  Don't waste my time with this, and don't think I have more time than you.  And...if I do this for you, don't think I'm necessarily committed to it.  I did it because I am nice.  Now it's your job to build commitment.

[For someone who doesn't have boundaries, I seem to have clear ideas of how I think things should go.]

Consequently, when I try to delegate some of "my work" to others, I feel false.  I don't like it when others delegate their work to me, so I hesitate to do likewise.

To be continued...

Perfectionism

While I am uncertain if perfectionism is a symptom of BPD, I know that being a perfectionist can cause undue stress in one's life and unrealistic expectations.

I am all for having high standards and quality control; but when those standards become so high no one, including myself, can actually achieve them; or if ever, only rarely, I have to ask myself how functional holding myself and others to a standard of "perfect" can be?  What purpose does it serve? Does this add to my life or does it make it more difficult?

Earlier this year I attended an outpatient day program for mental health.  One of the topics addressed was perfectionism.  Imagine sitting in a room, where instead of being the only huffy disparaging perfectionist in sight, nearly everyone present self-identified as a perfectionist.  I would extrapolate, from the high number of perfectionists present, that perfectionism may be a contributing factor to mental illness.

Not all of the descriptors of perfectionism are true for me.  For example, I see myself as usually decisive and don't procrastinate.  I can come to the place where I think: Yes. This is perfect.  I don't want to touch a thing.  And it feels very good, "right" inside when that happens.  And most of the time, I'm not striving for external approval; instead, I'm trying to achieve the vision I have in my head for a project--for that feeling of "Yes. This is right."  When that happens, I have a wonderful sense of satisfaction.

Even the researchers differ in their views of perfectionism. It seems that it is good to strive for excellence; but not to obsess or constantly give everything the same weight.

I'd like to write about the things that "speak" to me about perfectionism: both the positive and negative aspects, in an effort to understand how this may contribute to my disorder, making my life more difficult.  What can I do to diminish the negative aspects of perfectionism? While, at the same time, celebrate what I feel are the positive aspects.  What I can take away from having all this extra sensitivity to life?  What I can keep, in a healthy way, of something I think rather defines me?

[I will provide a list of researchers and publications at the end of this section re: Perfectionism for those who would like to read more; rather than trying to provide references, citations, footnotes as I explore this topic.]