To continue with Lyubomirksky's book, The How of Happiness:
"People who strive for something personally significant, whether it's learning a new craft, changing careers, or raising children, are far happier than those who don't have strong dreams or aspirations. Find a happy person and you will find a project."
Why is it that setting goals and committing to them increases happiness?
1) Committed goal pursuit provides us with a sense of purpose and a feeling of control over our lives. (A sense of control is very important to one's happiness.)
2) Having meaningful goals bolsters our self-esteem, stimulates a sense of confidence and effectiveness in the world.
3) Pursuing goals adds structure and meaning to our daily lives. Having goals provides the opportunity to master new skills and to create social interactions.
4) Being committed to our goals helps us to master the use of our time. To identify higher-order goals and divide them into smaller steps or subgoals, and to develop a schedule in which to accomplish them.
This is a genuine life-simplifying and life-improving skill, helping us cope with not only daily life; but life in times of crisis. The skills acquired in setting and accomplishing goals are problem solving skills. These skills include being flexible and changing course when need be.
5) Finally, the combination of all these things provides us a context and a sense of belonging, an engagement with life.
To increase happiness, Lyubomirsky suggests that goals should have the following components:
a. Intrinsic: that the goal is inherently satisfying and meaningful.
b. Authentic: that the goal is in harmony with deeply held interests and core values.
c. Approach goals: that the goal should involve approaching a desirable outcome; rather than avoiding an undesirable one.
d. Harmonious: that is, that goals chosen should not compete with or exclude each other.
e. Flexible & appropriate: "the right tasks at the right time", that goals may change depending on opportunity, age, etc. We need to be flexible, choose achievable goals and modify or change goals, if need be.
f. Activity goals. Goals that challenge, involving an activity, produce a steady stream of positive events and experiences.
At the moment, my major goal is getting well, seeking opportunities for treatment to acquire life skills and tools that will help me manage my life; to cope with this disorder and its contingent fallout in my life.
I can certainly attest that committing to this goal on a daily basis, with the support I have acquired, helps create a daily context in my life and gives me purpose.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Savouring Life's Joys
The next section in Lyubomirsky's book about enhancing happiness is a kind of mindfulness and gratitude mixture which extends to past and future, as well as the present. Based on empirical research, here's how she presents it:
past - looking back on happy times, rekindling joy from good memories increases one's ability to buffer stress
present - hanging on to good feelings, appreciating the moment reduces depression, stress, guilt and shame
future - joyful anticipation, imagining future happy events, increases optimism
In DBT therapy there is a focus on mindfulness, staying in the moment--which I think is a skill we need to master first; but then I think there may be something to the activities the author suggests.
Again, I do find this a bit pollyanna, looking at the world with rose tinted glasses--something hard for me as a depressive realist to do. I don't like the idea of fooling myself. Deluding myself.
On the other hand, as happiness is a choice, why not choose happiness? Let's assume for the moment that the world is equally full of negative and positive. Would it hurt me to begin to focus on and notice the positive more than the negative? Or at least begin to give it equal time?
Do I have to be constantly scanning the forest for predators? Waiting for the next bad thing to happen? Wanting someone to notice what went wrong, and fix the past?
Some activities that may enhance savouring = happiness:
Create a savouring album. Something I have noticed about happyists--they always have photos and touchstones of happy past events around them. Sea shells from a favorite beach. Photos of their children graduating.
Something I did with my 78 year-old mother recently, was to put together a photo album of her travels. She has always felt she has never been anywhere. But when I pulled out all the photos and postcards, and assembled them together, even we as her children weren't aware of some of the places she had been. Plus, she started to tell us stories about her experiences there.
Create a photo collage of your desired future. This is an enjoyable thing to do. I try to do one at least once a year. If you hang it in a place where you can see it everyday it will increase the chances of you actualizing.
And finally, enjoy the moment. Be grateful for things we take for granted--like hot water in your bath. A warm, safe place to be. Luxuriate in daily routines. The smell of your coffee. A bus/subway/car that takes you where you want to go. Nature.
Try to work in as much as you can that makes you happy, and savour it.
past - looking back on happy times, rekindling joy from good memories increases one's ability to buffer stress
present - hanging on to good feelings, appreciating the moment reduces depression, stress, guilt and shame
future - joyful anticipation, imagining future happy events, increases optimism
In DBT therapy there is a focus on mindfulness, staying in the moment--which I think is a skill we need to master first; but then I think there may be something to the activities the author suggests.
Again, I do find this a bit pollyanna, looking at the world with rose tinted glasses--something hard for me as a depressive realist to do. I don't like the idea of fooling myself. Deluding myself.
On the other hand, as happiness is a choice, why not choose happiness? Let's assume for the moment that the world is equally full of negative and positive. Would it hurt me to begin to focus on and notice the positive more than the negative? Or at least begin to give it equal time?
Do I have to be constantly scanning the forest for predators? Waiting for the next bad thing to happen? Wanting someone to notice what went wrong, and fix the past?
Some activities that may enhance savouring = happiness:
Create a savouring album. Something I have noticed about happyists--they always have photos and touchstones of happy past events around them. Sea shells from a favorite beach. Photos of their children graduating.
Something I did with my 78 year-old mother recently, was to put together a photo album of her travels. She has always felt she has never been anywhere. But when I pulled out all the photos and postcards, and assembled them together, even we as her children weren't aware of some of the places she had been. Plus, she started to tell us stories about her experiences there.
Create a photo collage of your desired future. This is an enjoyable thing to do. I try to do one at least once a year. If you hang it in a place where you can see it everyday it will increase the chances of you actualizing.
And finally, enjoy the moment. Be grateful for things we take for granted--like hot water in your bath. A warm, safe place to be. Luxuriate in daily routines. The smell of your coffee. A bus/subway/car that takes you where you want to go. Nature.
Try to work in as much as you can that makes you happy, and savour it.
Friday, February 18, 2011
"Flow" & Creativity
I've been thinking a lot about "flow". It seems to be an important component in creativity, meditation, physical and mental mastery that all humans crave.
I've thought back to times in my life when I have achieved flow without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
Sailing comes to mind. There is that moment of perfect mastery. With your hand on the rudder, the sails taunt with wind, in total silent synchronicity with the elements on a sparkling sunny day. There was nothing like it to take me away.
I imagine rock climbing, scaling the side of mountain, a rock face; focused on that next hand hold, that next toe niche must also have a similar feel of mastery.
I used to organize special events. I know the feeling of pulling off a near perfect event, with hundreds of people. Me, as the silent, behind-the-scenes conductor. Having thought of everything, anticipating every possible glitch. Everyone doing their jobs according to plan. My skills set in communicating and organizing, meeting and matching the task at hand. Flow in the moment and a deep sense of satisfaction, mastery.
Even creating a beautiful garden, pruning a bush just right, painting a picture, throwing a pot, painting a room a beautiful shade, playing a concerto, building something. I imagine all these thing can create a sense of flow.
And aside from "doing", I think through meditation or prayer, it is possible to connect with spirit in a way that surpasses daily life in something Lyubomirsky calls "superflow".
At the same time, I am aware of activities that I'm certain create flow, but which can be very damaging when done to excess.
I imagine gaming can create a feeling of mastery and satisfaction as one moves from level to level in the game, pitting one's skills against the the game designer's mind; learning new skills which allow one to move forward in the game.
However, I've seen what excessive gaming can do. It takes people away from their families. It seems to compel people to stay up all night, begin to miss work. The fantasy world of the game gives one a feeling of effectiveness one may not have have in their actual lives.
I can see gaming being used as a tool of distraction--a tool we all need to have in our belts in some form, as we cope with life's vagaries. And I'm certain it creates flow. But as with everything, balance is also a state we must seek.
I've also observed artists, who while creating incredible works of art, neglect their children. Ignore their partners. Neglect their financial obligations and even their own physical health.
What is "a good life" after all? Surely it is one where we can fulfill ourselves and our potential; but not at the expense of others. Perhaps people who have found flow in their work which will ill suit them for being parents should be careful in making that choice.
So a cautionary note about flow. Yes, we should seek ways of increasing flow in our lives; whether it be through cleaning the house, our jobs, creating a work of art, meditation--but not become addicted to it to the point of neglecting ourselves and others. Flow is a practice, another tool which can increase happiness, which can improve the quality of or lives; but all things in balance and in health. Or, as the medical profession might say: To do no harm.
I've thought back to times in my life when I have achieved flow without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
Sailing comes to mind. There is that moment of perfect mastery. With your hand on the rudder, the sails taunt with wind, in total silent synchronicity with the elements on a sparkling sunny day. There was nothing like it to take me away.
I imagine rock climbing, scaling the side of mountain, a rock face; focused on that next hand hold, that next toe niche must also have a similar feel of mastery.
I used to organize special events. I know the feeling of pulling off a near perfect event, with hundreds of people. Me, as the silent, behind-the-scenes conductor. Having thought of everything, anticipating every possible glitch. Everyone doing their jobs according to plan. My skills set in communicating and organizing, meeting and matching the task at hand. Flow in the moment and a deep sense of satisfaction, mastery.
Even creating a beautiful garden, pruning a bush just right, painting a picture, throwing a pot, painting a room a beautiful shade, playing a concerto, building something. I imagine all these thing can create a sense of flow.
And aside from "doing", I think through meditation or prayer, it is possible to connect with spirit in a way that surpasses daily life in something Lyubomirsky calls "superflow".
At the same time, I am aware of activities that I'm certain create flow, but which can be very damaging when done to excess.
I imagine gaming can create a feeling of mastery and satisfaction as one moves from level to level in the game, pitting one's skills against the the game designer's mind; learning new skills which allow one to move forward in the game.
However, I've seen what excessive gaming can do. It takes people away from their families. It seems to compel people to stay up all night, begin to miss work. The fantasy world of the game gives one a feeling of effectiveness one may not have have in their actual lives.
I can see gaming being used as a tool of distraction--a tool we all need to have in our belts in some form, as we cope with life's vagaries. And I'm certain it creates flow. But as with everything, balance is also a state we must seek.
I've also observed artists, who while creating incredible works of art, neglect their children. Ignore their partners. Neglect their financial obligations and even their own physical health.
What is "a good life" after all? Surely it is one where we can fulfill ourselves and our potential; but not at the expense of others. Perhaps people who have found flow in their work which will ill suit them for being parents should be careful in making that choice.
So a cautionary note about flow. Yes, we should seek ways of increasing flow in our lives; whether it be through cleaning the house, our jobs, creating a work of art, meditation--but not become addicted to it to the point of neglecting ourselves and others. Flow is a practice, another tool which can increase happiness, which can improve the quality of or lives; but all things in balance and in health. Or, as the medical profession might say: To do no harm.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Practicing Happiness:"Flow"
Have you ever been so involved in something you were doing that you lost track of time? 'Felt completely in the moment? 'Felt completely connected?
This state is something called "flow". (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)
Flow: A state of intense absorption and involvement with the present moment. You're totally immersed in what you're doing, fully concentrating and unaware of yourself. [Or, I would argue, deeply aware.] You are challenged, engrossed, stretching your skills and expertise. When in flow, you feel strong and effective, at the peak of your abilities. Alert, in control, doing the activity for the sheer sake of doing it.
(From Lyubomirsky's book: The How of Happiness)
In the '60s, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi was studying creativity and noticed that artists commonly experience this state. He argues that a happy life has a balance between skills and challenges.
When our skills are adequate to the challenge we feel happy, effective, in control. When our skills are inadequate, we feel anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed.
When the challenge isn't great enough, we feel bored.
I would argue, that those of us with BPD (and perhaps other mental health illnesses) end up in despair due to our lack of basic life skills in coping with daily life. Through whatever influenced our formation, we don't seem to come to the table with the tools other people have. We also seem to perceive the world differently, and have often come up with adaptations that, in the end, don't serve us well. Our life skills set seem inadequate to the task of living.
At the same time, many of us have high intelligence needs, find ourselves frequently bored, and consequently, disengage.
I haven't heard anyone talk about this, but I conjecture that taking drugs or even cutting oneself, can create that feeling of flow. Feeling connected in the moment, calm, peaceful, out of time, in control. Mistakenly perhaps, and temporary, but the feeling is still there.
Now, what is it that healthy, happy people do to achieve the same state? And, can we emulate that?
This state is something called "flow". (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)
Flow: A state of intense absorption and involvement with the present moment. You're totally immersed in what you're doing, fully concentrating and unaware of yourself. [Or, I would argue, deeply aware.] You are challenged, engrossed, stretching your skills and expertise. When in flow, you feel strong and effective, at the peak of your abilities. Alert, in control, doing the activity for the sheer sake of doing it.
(From Lyubomirsky's book: The How of Happiness)
In the '60s, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi was studying creativity and noticed that artists commonly experience this state. He argues that a happy life has a balance between skills and challenges.
When our skills are adequate to the challenge we feel happy, effective, in control. When our skills are inadequate, we feel anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed.
When the challenge isn't great enough, we feel bored.
I would argue, that those of us with BPD (and perhaps other mental health illnesses) end up in despair due to our lack of basic life skills in coping with daily life. Through whatever influenced our formation, we don't seem to come to the table with the tools other people have. We also seem to perceive the world differently, and have often come up with adaptations that, in the end, don't serve us well. Our life skills set seem inadequate to the task of living.
At the same time, many of us have high intelligence needs, find ourselves frequently bored, and consequently, disengage.
I haven't heard anyone talk about this, but I conjecture that taking drugs or even cutting oneself, can create that feeling of flow. Feeling connected in the moment, calm, peaceful, out of time, in control. Mistakenly perhaps, and temporary, but the feeling is still there.
Now, what is it that healthy, happy people do to achieve the same state? And, can we emulate that?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Managing Stress, Distress, & Trauma III
There are other exercises/practices Lyubomirsky suggests in her book:
1) Journaling
This is a practice commonly prescribed as a therapy or creativity tool.
Originally, researchers thought it worked due to emotional catharsis. It is now thought that the critical mechanism may be the nature of the writing process itself, which helps process, understand, come to terms with, make sense of our trauma. Even attributing positive value/meaning.
In a clinical research trial in Montreal, trauma victims were asked to come into the clinic for six consecutive weeks and journal in detail about their experience for about half an hour. Each visit they were asked to read what they had written out loud.
By the end of the six weeks, the trauma had taken a back seat in their lives. One participant described it as listening to something that had happened to someone else. He knew it had happened to him; but it had lost its emotional sting in his life. He became "unstuck" and was able to manage his emotions.
2) Challenge your negative thoughts.
How does this thought or belief serve me?
In the long term, will it matter?
Is there another explanation?
If this is true, what is the worst that could happen? What would be the consequence? What is the likelihood of that? How would I cope?
What is the best possible thing that could happen? Likelihood?
If this is true, what is the lesson?
What plans do I need to make?
Acceptance.
3) Forgiveness
When someone "does us wrong" the natural reaction is to avoid, or to want revenge.
The degree to which we either stop avoiding, or stop wanting revenge, is the degree to which we have forgiven.
Remember, forgiveness is for oneself; not for the other person.
Practices of forgiveness:
- Remember all the times people have extended forgiveness to you.
- Write a letter of apology for something you have done, or a letter of forgiveness to someone you need to forgive. Whether you send either of these is up to you. It is the act of forgiveness that heals.
- Imagine either receiving or granting forgiveness.
- Practice empathy. Try to see the person as a whole, not just in the instance of the injustice against you.
- Try to attribute a charitable reason for the person's behaviour.
- Try writing the letter you'd like to receive from your transgressor.
- Don't dwell on it. Use the tools from you have to change and control your thinking.
The exercises in this post can be hard; but these are steps towards being happier. There is certainly a time to feel our pain, to mourn. But when these unhappy feelings take over our lives and get us "stuck" it is good to have some tools and practices to gain control again.
1) Journaling
This is a practice commonly prescribed as a therapy or creativity tool.
Originally, researchers thought it worked due to emotional catharsis. It is now thought that the critical mechanism may be the nature of the writing process itself, which helps process, understand, come to terms with, make sense of our trauma. Even attributing positive value/meaning.
In a clinical research trial in Montreal, trauma victims were asked to come into the clinic for six consecutive weeks and journal in detail about their experience for about half an hour. Each visit they were asked to read what they had written out loud.
By the end of the six weeks, the trauma had taken a back seat in their lives. One participant described it as listening to something that had happened to someone else. He knew it had happened to him; but it had lost its emotional sting in his life. He became "unstuck" and was able to manage his emotions.
2) Challenge your negative thoughts.
How does this thought or belief serve me?
In the long term, will it matter?
Is there another explanation?
If this is true, what is the worst that could happen? What would be the consequence? What is the likelihood of that? How would I cope?
What is the best possible thing that could happen? Likelihood?
If this is true, what is the lesson?
What plans do I need to make?
Acceptance.
3) Forgiveness
When someone "does us wrong" the natural reaction is to avoid, or to want revenge.
The degree to which we either stop avoiding, or stop wanting revenge, is the degree to which we have forgiven.
Remember, forgiveness is for oneself; not for the other person.
Practices of forgiveness:
- Remember all the times people have extended forgiveness to you.
- Write a letter of apology for something you have done, or a letter of forgiveness to someone you need to forgive. Whether you send either of these is up to you. It is the act of forgiveness that heals.
- Imagine either receiving or granting forgiveness.
- Practice empathy. Try to see the person as a whole, not just in the instance of the injustice against you.
- Try to attribute a charitable reason for the person's behaviour.
- Try writing the letter you'd like to receive from your transgressor.
- Don't dwell on it. Use the tools from you have to change and control your thinking.
The exercises in this post can be hard; but these are steps towards being happier. There is certainly a time to feel our pain, to mourn. But when these unhappy feelings take over our lives and get us "stuck" it is good to have some tools and practices to gain control again.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Managing Stress, Distress & Trauma II
In her book The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky suggests there are two streams of coping: 1) Problem focus and 2) Emotion Focus.
With emotion focus, when faced with distress, one can distract oneself: watch a movie, play a game or exercise, until one is ready to deal with the problem. This creates some distance and perspective, and slows down reactivity.
With problem focus, one confronts the situation head-on, lists pros and cons, asks for advice, creates an action plan and then takes baby steps towards the solution.
Other things one can do are:
- reframe, reinterpret the event
- construe positive benefit, such as growth or learning
- practice acceptance
- tap into social networks for support
Both problem solving and emotional coping provide an effective dual approach to handling distress and stress.
Trauma=Transformation
It is hard to think that a deeply negative event can actually strengthen, rather than weaken, but it can, and here's why:
- we become more aware of what is important in life
- renewed belief in ourselves to be able to endure and overcome
- deepened relationships with others who support us through and after the event
- greater compassion for others in similar situations
- development of a deeper, richer belief system
Following a trauma we can choose to 1) Survive 2) Recover 3) Thrive. And it is all in how we choose to cope, through thinking and behaviour.
This is why it is so important not to permanently escape/avoid the pain through drugs, alcohol, obsessive behaviours, etc. When we learn to move through the pain and learn effective coping strategies, we can not only overcome, but excel. Strangely enough, trauma is an opportunity to do better, not worse.
With emotion focus, when faced with distress, one can distract oneself: watch a movie, play a game or exercise, until one is ready to deal with the problem. This creates some distance and perspective, and slows down reactivity.
With problem focus, one confronts the situation head-on, lists pros and cons, asks for advice, creates an action plan and then takes baby steps towards the solution.
Other things one can do are:
- reframe, reinterpret the event
- construe positive benefit, such as growth or learning
- practice acceptance
- tap into social networks for support
Both problem solving and emotional coping provide an effective dual approach to handling distress and stress.
Trauma=Transformation
It is hard to think that a deeply negative event can actually strengthen, rather than weaken, but it can, and here's why:
- we become more aware of what is important in life
- renewed belief in ourselves to be able to endure and overcome
- deepened relationships with others who support us through and after the event
- greater compassion for others in similar situations
- development of a deeper, richer belief system
Following a trauma we can choose to 1) Survive 2) Recover 3) Thrive. And it is all in how we choose to cope, through thinking and behaviour.
This is why it is so important not to permanently escape/avoid the pain through drugs, alcohol, obsessive behaviours, etc. When we learn to move through the pain and learn effective coping strategies, we can not only overcome, but excel. Strangely enough, trauma is an opportunity to do better, not worse.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Practicing Hapiness: Managing Stress, Distress, & Trauma
This is a very important element of managing my condition, with which I need help. Coping strategies and tools.
One of the things that seems to happen easily for me, is I get overwhelmed. With all this sensitivity and nerve endings, I have to be very careful of how I manage my time and protect myself from too much stimulation.
Without care and feedback/support from others, I withdraw, spiral down, sometimes drink, sometimes run. I resign, drop out. Feel terrible about myself because I can't seem to cope with daily life. I can't seem to manage what other people manage. It is all too much and I want to die.
And on my own, I feel that no one can understand. Because it isn't reasonable what will destroy me.
Managing stress, myself, my time, my life, is a critical area for me. Due to my disorder, I haven't been able to cope and have constantly disrupted and destroyed my life and everything I have worked for.
How often have I dropped out of university, quit jobs, friends, relationships and literally left, planning to kill myself. I didn't know what was wrong with me, or how to get help, see things differently, slow down, operate on "turtle time".
(Turtle time: slow and steady finishes the race, unload rather than taking on too much, know my limits and protect them, don't push the river...)
I didn't realize I'm not the only one like this, and that there are therapies available to help.
Soon, I will be entering a day program at the hospital to help learn coping strategies, skills, tools. I'll write what I learn and my experiences when that happens.
I'll write about what Lyubomirsky suggests in my next post.
One of the things that seems to happen easily for me, is I get overwhelmed. With all this sensitivity and nerve endings, I have to be very careful of how I manage my time and protect myself from too much stimulation.
Without care and feedback/support from others, I withdraw, spiral down, sometimes drink, sometimes run. I resign, drop out. Feel terrible about myself because I can't seem to cope with daily life. I can't seem to manage what other people manage. It is all too much and I want to die.
And on my own, I feel that no one can understand. Because it isn't reasonable what will destroy me.
Managing stress, myself, my time, my life, is a critical area for me. Due to my disorder, I haven't been able to cope and have constantly disrupted and destroyed my life and everything I have worked for.
How often have I dropped out of university, quit jobs, friends, relationships and literally left, planning to kill myself. I didn't know what was wrong with me, or how to get help, see things differently, slow down, operate on "turtle time".
(Turtle time: slow and steady finishes the race, unload rather than taking on too much, know my limits and protect them, don't push the river...)
I didn't realize I'm not the only one like this, and that there are therapies available to help.
Soon, I will be entering a day program at the hospital to help learn coping strategies, skills, tools. I'll write what I learn and my experiences when that happens.
I'll write about what Lyubomirsky suggests in my next post.
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