Continuing with the book, Growing Resilient Children...
Feelings & Emotions
Barankin & Khanlou suggest that children who are calm and empathic; who can identify and safely/appropriately express their emotions; who can accurately "read" the emotional states of others; who have learned how to control the more negative emotions and channel/focus their positive emotions are more resilient than those without these qualities.
I did a lot of reading on Emotional IQ (a "new" buzz phrase of the '90s in pop and business psychology) in preparation to write this segment of my blog. Emotional IQ and Social Intelligence dovetail. Emotional intelligence (EI) comes into play with understanding oneself and interacting with others. EI can help in reading a situation that doesn't lend itself entirely to a logical interpretation.
I would suggest that Emotional IQ may begin in childhood; but it is definitely one of those abilities we can continue to add to and improve, well into adulthood--perhaps for our entire lives.
So. What can we give ourselves as adults we may not have received as children?
Emotional Validation. We may never have received emotional validation, nurturing, comfort, as children. If we didn't, we can get this for ourselves now through both individual and group counselling. There is something about saying something out loud with a witness, or witnesses, that becomes so empowering, and such a relief. To feel and express the emotions, the pain, we have been holding inside so long is an important step in healing and moving forward.
Empathy. In some cases, some of us may have turned inward and have difficulty reading others or empathizing with their emotions. We may be able to feel our own emotions very well; but be oblivious to our impact on others or what they may be feeling/experiencing.
Not being able to read social clues compounds our problems, increases negative responses from others and makes us more isolated.
For me, as an introvert, going to group is hard. However, I think being in a regular group therapy context helps develop several skills, such as listening and paying attention to the emotions of others.
Emotional Modulation. There are various options available to learn how to modulate our emotions and control our impulses. Programs like anger management. Meditation. Exercise. Distraction. There are many tools available; however, I think that some sort of professional help, individual or group, is is the best way to educate ourselves and garner practice in managing emotions.
Expressing Emotions. Let's not forget that emotions and feelings are an important part of our feedback system. It is important to acknowledge, feel and express our emotions, both positive and negative. It is part of what makes us human, and helps us chart our path, make decisions.
However, most of us with mental illness never want to feel the way we used to feel, and are perhaps, fearful of emotions that make us feel out of control or suicidal.
With mental illness, our emotions have overwhelmed us, because they have been blown out of proportion. Noting the feeling, identifying it, and tracing it back to the source (usually with professional help) can help us figure out the cause and challenge whatever it is that causes us to feel bad. Perhaps that perception is not based in the reality and the choices for action/understanding we now have as adults. Perhaps we can reframe the cause, reinterpret the past, and find new healthy ways of expressing our feelings.
(The same is true of positive feelings. We can figure out what makes us happy and do more of that. :)
Once again, creativity can come into play in expressing emotions. Many works of art, books, movies, drama are a positive channeling of emotions. Journaling can be an individual personal way of expressing emotions available to everyone.
To live in denial, hiding how we feel, and rigid self-control is like holding a ball filled with air under water. It takes a lot of strength and energy, and eventually, it will pop up somehow, somewhere. Likewise, to live with delusion, lying about the past, is unproductive; as the truth will eventually come out.
Rather than avoiding our feelings and emotions, we can learn how to identify them, seek the cause, heal the cause, and channel the feelings into life affirming, productive, positive outlets.
Conflict Management. This is an area where I had my lowest score on the EI scale. This is such an necessary area of mastery for all humans, and something I think should be taught in the school system. There are many helpful books on this topic and workshops available now and then. If you can find a workshop or conflict management program, do take it. It will be invaluable in helping you think about conflict in a different way, identify your conflict style, and gather some tools in managing it.
Conflict Management was one of the modules addressed in the Oshawa Hospital Mental Health Day Program, a helpful beginning in understanding and laying a better personal foundation in managing conflict in one's life.
Here is a site where you can take an EI assessment questionnaire. (*Note: the test is 146 questions long, and takes about 45 minutes to complete.)
http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037
Look at the sample report offered--it will have all your data and scoring. You don't have to pay for the report, but you can't print it out, so make some notes or cut and paste into a word document. You will see by your scoring which areas you may want to work on improving.
Feelings & Emotions
Barankin & Khanlou suggest that children who are calm and empathic; who can identify and safely/appropriately express their emotions; who can accurately "read" the emotional states of others; who have learned how to control the more negative emotions and channel/focus their positive emotions are more resilient than those without these qualities.
I did a lot of reading on Emotional IQ (a "new" buzz phrase of the '90s in pop and business psychology) in preparation to write this segment of my blog. Emotional IQ and Social Intelligence dovetail. Emotional intelligence (EI) comes into play with understanding oneself and interacting with others. EI can help in reading a situation that doesn't lend itself entirely to a logical interpretation.
I would suggest that Emotional IQ may begin in childhood; but it is definitely one of those abilities we can continue to add to and improve, well into adulthood--perhaps for our entire lives.
So. What can we give ourselves as adults we may not have received as children?
Emotional Validation. We may never have received emotional validation, nurturing, comfort, as children. If we didn't, we can get this for ourselves now through both individual and group counselling. There is something about saying something out loud with a witness, or witnesses, that becomes so empowering, and such a relief. To feel and express the emotions, the pain, we have been holding inside so long is an important step in healing and moving forward.
Empathy. In some cases, some of us may have turned inward and have difficulty reading others or empathizing with their emotions. We may be able to feel our own emotions very well; but be oblivious to our impact on others or what they may be feeling/experiencing.
Not being able to read social clues compounds our problems, increases negative responses from others and makes us more isolated.
For me, as an introvert, going to group is hard. However, I think being in a regular group therapy context helps develop several skills, such as listening and paying attention to the emotions of others.
Emotional Modulation. There are various options available to learn how to modulate our emotions and control our impulses. Programs like anger management. Meditation. Exercise. Distraction. There are many tools available; however, I think that some sort of professional help, individual or group, is is the best way to educate ourselves and garner practice in managing emotions.
Expressing Emotions. Let's not forget that emotions and feelings are an important part of our feedback system. It is important to acknowledge, feel and express our emotions, both positive and negative. It is part of what makes us human, and helps us chart our path, make decisions.
However, most of us with mental illness never want to feel the way we used to feel, and are perhaps, fearful of emotions that make us feel out of control or suicidal.
With mental illness, our emotions have overwhelmed us, because they have been blown out of proportion. Noting the feeling, identifying it, and tracing it back to the source (usually with professional help) can help us figure out the cause and challenge whatever it is that causes us to feel bad. Perhaps that perception is not based in the reality and the choices for action/understanding we now have as adults. Perhaps we can reframe the cause, reinterpret the past, and find new healthy ways of expressing our feelings.
(The same is true of positive feelings. We can figure out what makes us happy and do more of that. :)
Once again, creativity can come into play in expressing emotions. Many works of art, books, movies, drama are a positive channeling of emotions. Journaling can be an individual personal way of expressing emotions available to everyone.
To live in denial, hiding how we feel, and rigid self-control is like holding a ball filled with air under water. It takes a lot of strength and energy, and eventually, it will pop up somehow, somewhere. Likewise, to live with delusion, lying about the past, is unproductive; as the truth will eventually come out.
Rather than avoiding our feelings and emotions, we can learn how to identify them, seek the cause, heal the cause, and channel the feelings into life affirming, productive, positive outlets.
Conflict Management. This is an area where I had my lowest score on the EI scale. This is such an necessary area of mastery for all humans, and something I think should be taught in the school system. There are many helpful books on this topic and workshops available now and then. If you can find a workshop or conflict management program, do take it. It will be invaluable in helping you think about conflict in a different way, identify your conflict style, and gather some tools in managing it.
Conflict Management was one of the modules addressed in the Oshawa Hospital Mental Health Day Program, a helpful beginning in understanding and laying a better personal foundation in managing conflict in one's life.
Here is a site where you can take an EI assessment questionnaire. (*Note: the test is 146 questions long, and takes about 45 minutes to complete.)
http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037
Look at the sample report offered--it will have all your data and scoring. You don't have to pay for the report, but you can't print it out, so make some notes or cut and paste into a word document. You will see by your scoring which areas you may want to work on improving.
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