Okay. Here we all are at Earth School. We know in our minds that it is not supposed to be perfect. We know we are here to learn, transform, etc. That perfection may exist in some other parallel universe; but probably not here; or at least, not often.
So why do we have, and dearly hold, these expectations and beliefs?
My thinking is, that at one time the gene for excelling is the one that won out over the others. Most definitely, I believe judging and discriminating is hard-wired--otherwise we wouldn't be able to chose between a good fruit and one that is bad.
But somehow, we have taken a good thing out of context, focusing on it to our detriment. The gene to adapt is also a good thing--but we've overridden our adaptability with something that isn't working for us.
What are these irrational beliefs and dysfunctional thinking patterns we hold?
The expectation that people and situations should have no flaws or faults
One of the symptoms of BPD is to idolize people and then demonize them. I'm thinking, that to have these unrealistic expectations is so hard on everyone, including ourselves. So cruel, actually.
If I can't do everything perfectly, why bother doing it?
This belief gets us stuck in life. Stuck working on things far longer than they warrant. We won't take things on for fear of failure. We narrow and limit ourselves. Or, we may dismiss things as worthless, because we know we can't do it perfectly.
Having perfection oriented automatic thoughts
Uncontrolled, almost unconscious thoughts that tell us we have to be perfect all the time. Without realizing it, we hold these thoughts and standards in our heads and are constantly comparing ourselves and others to unrealistic, ungenerous standards.
Hyper vigilance/ hyper awareness of perfection
Always scanning the environment for instances of perfection, or rearranging things in one's head. I know I have gone into waiting rooms, for example, and have rearranged the waiting room in my mind to a more functional, pleasing layout. I am constantly doing that--and it serves no purpose. Actually, it causes me a certain amount of dissonance or pain.
At the same time, I enjoy immense pleasure in seeing something that approaches perfection in art, architecture, or craftsmanship.
Disproportionate negative feelings over a mistake
We beat ourselves up. Our self-acceptance, self-worth, is tied to how we do. I imagine this is due to conditional love, acceptance, attention as a child from parents, from teachers. It is difficult for me to believe and accept myself as worthy, just because I am here and alive.
Making mountains out of molehills
Inaccurate assessment of damages. Minor setbacks become devastating events. Lack of perspective. As I have said previously, I once quit a program in which I was getting straight "A's" because I received a "C". A "C" is still a pass. That event shouldn't have knocked me off my feet and out of the program--but it did. I even left town as well. I gave up on everything.
This is an example of "all or nothing" thinking. Catastrophizing. The inability to accept, adapt to an imperfect reality.
Rigid standards
Again, all or nothing. Black and white thinking. A lack of adaptability. As a perfectionist, I haven't been able to see what has been "right" about my world when something "bad" happens. The "bad" took over my entire view, so I had to leave and start over; alternatively, I wanted to die. My world, my view, wasn't approaching perfect anymore so I had to give it up. I couldn't live with less than perfect--even when there were so many elements out of my control.
Expecting the impossible
This ties into some of the other points. To expect perfection in this world is a "set-up" for disappointment, failure, pain. Why are we on this perfectionist track when it causes us so much grief? Depression and anxiety.
Overstating what's at stake and overreacting
Again, the lack of perspective in giving things their proper weight. The pressure of being perfect can paralyze me. I find myself struggling to get myself together to leave the house.
We perfectionists are emotionally attached to outcomes; because our outcomes define us. We are emotionally invested and therefore, reactive. Sometimes we don't have the distance to respond effectively, to problem-solve, to be task oriented and persistent when things "go wrong".
We tend to think it is the end of the world and take the results personally.
This is devastating and life disruptive.
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