Individual Factors - Physical Health

The last category regarding regarding individual factors contributing to resilience is physical health.

We have all heard so much about this topic that we often dismiss it: Ya, I know.

But speaking from my own experience, I notice a huge difference in my ability to cope if I haven't slept properly or have missed taking my medication and supplements. Eating well on some sort of routine, exercise and meditation all contribute to good mental health.

These factors also fall under self-care. We all need rituals and routines. I know it may sound boring; but it is basic. The more we can identify good practices and build them into our daily rhythm; the better we will be. When we fail to honour ourselves, take care of our bodies, we become vulnerable. Not only to disease; but to "dis-ease".

There is a challenge in designing what will work best for each of us in our daily journey. For example, I don't like taking so many pills--not that I am against medication. It is just the physical aspect of swallowing them. But I know I need them. I have seen myself fall into depression when I don't keep up my regimen.

I have developed a pattern of taking them over the course of the day, so that I get the the medication and supplements I need--but not everything at once.
Some days this feels boring: I just did this yesterday. But I have come to appreciate that a) I am grateful I have access to this medicine--many people don't. And b) I congratulate myself that I have figured out a way to get everything I need in a way that works for me.

And finally, I am grateful I have the opportunity to stack the cards in my favour--with good physical health, I have a better chance of coping with life.

Individual Factors - Social Skills

The Social Brain.  Apparently, the part of the brain with social skills, language, etc. is the "new brain".  This part of the brain developed later than our "flight or fight" portion, and has permitted us to survive and thrive as a species.

The importance of interactive skills was underscored to me recently, in a documentary about ancient climate change and the survival of early humans.

Through archaeological digs, they have found that the Neanderthals probably died out because they didn't develop the social skills for trading and helping each other during the last ice age.  It is found that humans in the Russian steppes were able to survive through trading with each other, and went on to populate Europe after the ice age passed. 

Barankin & Khanlou describe the resilient child as able to listen to others.  Able to understand intentions and ideas.  Affectionate.  Assertive.  Caring and empathetic. Having a sense of humour.  Able to solve problems and conflicts.  Able to communicate ideas and feelings.

The doctors describe how healthy social skills are acquired by children--mostly through imitating what they see and experience around them.  For those of us who didn't "get" those skills, we have to learn some of this now.

As an introvert*, I tend to limit my contact with others and isolate when I'm not well.  I'm beginning to realize how much I put myself at risk in terms of my mental health, by happily and unhappily, spending so much time alone.

Boundaries is a huge new territory for me.  There weren't healthy boundaries in my home. When we haven't grown up with good social skills models, what can we do?  One of the first times in my life I'm allowed to say what I need and want to say, in a respectful environment, is in the group I've been attending for the past year.

The more I read studies in the areas of Happiness, Resilience, Mental Health, the more I know that social networks and good social skills are part of our success as humans.  And it would be better for me to try a little harder to be with other people.

As much as they have done studies which indicate that people who are tall and attractive earn more than those with more normal attributes; there are also studies indicating those who are extrovert, earn more and are happier.

So...it is better to be connected to the human family in some form.  And, for people like me who aren't good at it, to practice.  Perhaps in an organized setting like a therapy group.  At least there, I am protected by confidentiality; and, if anyone says something they shouldn't, that might be harmful, the facilitator will step in.  For me, it is a good start.

*Introvert: results from Myers & Briggs testing.
 

Individual Factors - Ways of Thinking

Continuing with the book, Growing Resilient Children...

"We see the world, as we are." - Jewish proverb

For any of us who have been in therapy, we know very well how our thinking has contributed to our illness.  As it is expressed in some groups: "stinking thinking".

The components for resilience in children are the same as those for happiness: positive thinking; optimism; looking forward to the future=hope + goals; persistence and work to see things through.

It sounds so Pollyanna.  But I have become more and more aware of my own "mind traps"; my distorted thinking.

As someone has said: The universe is neither positive or negative; it just is.  But we who suffer from depression, a negative self-concept, and a dark world view will tend to focus on the negative more than the equally present, positive.  This is called "realistic pessimism".  It's not that the negative things aren't necessarily there; it's just that we tend to seek them out to reinforce an already dismal weltanschauung.

One way of redressing this thinking is to seek out the positive through practices such as gratitude and re-framing.  Are there alternative more positive interpretations of what I am observing?

One of the underpinnings of mental illness, I think, is that we have a tendency, or a filter, through which we view the world in a distorted way.  That's why we end up feeling bad and why we try to work out our problems with maladaptive solutions or tools, sometimes with disastrous results.  As in the quote above: we see the world, as we are--which is ill.

With BPD, as with any mental illness, I feel that the only way of sussing out, understanding and changing my distorted thinking is through professional intervention.  I need someone trained, outside myself and my thinking, to help point out or pinpoint where I are going wrong, misreading situations.  Where my "truth" may be a distortion of reality.

Through these sorts of professional interventions, and being open to them, we can change our way of thinking to more positive patterns=greater resilience, more hope, more happiness.  Better coping and living skills.  Better actions, decisions, behaviours.

It isn't Pollyanna.  It is hard, consistent work.  And that is reality.  There is no magic, easy fix--as we who abused substances tried to implement.

I remember thinking that if I stopped drinking, everything would get easy.  The world would reward me with life served on a silver platter. That I had solved my problem. (I think others who knew me thought that too; that if I would just not drink, I would be fine.)

When, in fact, if anything, although I rationally knew it was "better" not to drink, life was just life, as it is.  With ups and downs and the same challenges as before.  If anything, it was perhaps worse.  Or very "flat".  I couldn't use the same solutions and tools as I had before.  And I was, and still am, a baby in retraining my mind.  In identifying old thinking patterns, learning new
ways of thinking. New behaviours like meditation and self-care.

I am so grateful for the recognition of dual diagnosis in the Ontario mental health world.  Without treating the underlying pathology causing the "stinking thinking" and consequent coping behaviours, there is little hope of getting well.  There would always be relapse, depression and suicidal ideation.

At least now, I have a chance.  We have a good chance.

Individual Factors - Self Concept

Continuing with the book, Growing Up Resilient...

Self-Concept

Self-concept, self-image, self-identity, self-esteem, self-worth--all interrelated awarenesses which can fluctuate over time, and depending on environment.  

As many with BPD, I have suffered from an unstable image of self.  Sometimes I have felt like a chameleon, as though I could fit in anywhere, or take on anyone else's life.  Partially, I think this is due to a distinct lack of boundaries between me and others.

When I left home, I definitely didn't want to be where I was from, or who I was.  I wanted to change my name.  Sometimes, I "made up" parents.  I "made up" a past.

It was only years later, when I started to do genealogy research, I became proud of my name and my family history.  I began to realize, going back in time, there were some incredible stories and much of which to be proud.

Barankin & Khanlou describe children with a positive self-concept as confident, optimistic about the future, realistic about their abilities, self-disciplined, able to cope with criticism and problem-solve.  They feel a sense of belonging to their family and/or community.

Self-esteem, self-worth and identity are tied to our concept of ourselves, and can fluctuate wildly as a child; often dependent on the feedback we get from others in our environment.

The doctors suggest that accepting, loving and appreciating a child for their uniqueness; for the way they are and aspire to be, can strengthen self-worth.  As adults, if we can learn to accept ourselves just as we are at this moment, appreciating our own uniqueness and what we have to offer, we can improve how we feel about ourselves. Mastering a hobby, a sport or a subject area can also help a child to feel more confident.  The same is true for us as adults.

Learning how to accept defeat with grace, and success with modesty, is an important skill for all humans.  I have observed that children who have learned to play team sports, in a healthy manner, get a chance to learn this skill more than those of us who either didn't engage in sports; or excelled in solo performance.

I conjecture that perhaps seeking out opportunities at whatever level, to engage in some sort of team sport/team work, may help in building skills and self-confidence.  I know for me as a loner, it would be hard work to join a group--at any level (e.g bowling) without comparing myself to others and perhaps feeling competitive.  Possibly, this is an area in which I could push myself to grow a little.

Learning to face things, rather than hiding or running away, can help children, and adults, discover that things are often, not as bad as they seem.  Facing our fears provides an opportunity to overcome them.  Makes us stronger.  Makes us feel better about ourselves.

As I have so often cut and ran, it helps a lot to have the professional support I have now, to talk things through, and if necessary, take someone with me to face things I may have been avoiding for years.  Believe me, whether it is money troubles, relationship troubles, or legal troubles, it is much better to face up to it.  Get the professional help you need to help protect you and guide you through the process. 

You'll find, that whatever the problem is, you aren't the first and you won't be the last.  And, I have discovered a) it often turns out to be far easier to handle than I anticipated and b) it is a huge relief not to be carrying whatever it is alone.  Facing things removes an incredible load of guilt and shame=increased self-esteem.  Avoidance diminishes us.  Facing life, with proper supports, builds mastery and moves us towards happiness.

So, esteem yourself!  Value yourself.  Just as you are, flaws and all.

As Leonard Cohen said, "There are cracks in everything; that's how the light gets in."

Individual Factors - Feelings & Emotions

Continuing with the book, Growing Resilient Children...

Feelings & Emotions

Barankin & Khanlou suggest that children who are calm and empathic; who can identify and safely/appropriately express their emotions; who can accurately "read" the emotional states of others; who have learned how to control the more negative emotions and channel/focus their positive emotions are more resilient than those without these qualities.

I did a lot of reading on Emotional IQ (a "new" buzz phrase of the '90s in pop and business psychology) in preparation to write this segment of my blog.  Emotional IQ and Social Intelligence dovetail.  Emotional intelligence (EI) comes into play with understanding oneself and interacting with others.  EI can help in reading a situation that doesn't lend itself entirely to a logical interpretation.

I would suggest that Emotional IQ may begin in childhood; but it is definitely one of those abilities we can continue to add to and improve, well into adulthood--perhaps for our entire lives.

So.  What can we give ourselves as adults we may not have received as children?

Emotional Validation.  We may never have received emotional validation, nurturing, comfort, as children.  If we didn't, we can get this for ourselves now through both individual and group counselling.  There is something about saying something out loud with a witness, or witnesses, that becomes so empowering, and such a relief.  To feel and express the emotions, the pain, we have been holding inside so long is an important step in healing and moving forward.

Empathy.  In some cases, some of us may have turned inward and have difficulty reading others or empathizing with their emotions.  We may be able to feel our own emotions very well; but be oblivious to our impact on others or what they may be feeling/experiencing.

Not being able to read social clues compounds our problems, increases negative responses from others and makes us more isolated.

For me, as an introvert, going to group is hard.  However, I think being in a regular group therapy context helps develop several skills, such as listening and paying attention to the emotions of others.

Emotional Modulation.  There are various options available to learn how to modulate our emotions and control our impulses.  Programs like anger management. Meditation. Exercise. Distraction. There are many tools available; however, I think that some sort of professional help, individual or group, is is the best way to educate ourselves and garner practice in managing emotions.

Expressing Emotions.  Let's not forget that emotions and feelings are an important part of our feedback system.  It is important to acknowledge, feel and express our emotions, both positive and negative.  It is part of what makes us human, and helps us chart our path, make decisions.

However, most of us with mental illness never want to feel the way we used to feel, and are perhaps, fearful of emotions that make us feel out of control or suicidal.

With mental illness, our emotions have overwhelmed us, because they have been blown out of proportion.  Noting the feeling, identifying it, and tracing it back to the source (usually with professional help) can help us figure out the cause and challenge whatever it is that causes us to feel bad.  Perhaps that perception is not based in the reality and the choices for action/understanding we now have as adults.  Perhaps we can reframe the cause, reinterpret the past, and find new healthy ways of expressing our feelings.

(The same is true of positive feelings.  We can figure out what makes us happy and do more of that. :)

Once again, creativity can come into play in expressing emotions.  Many works of art, books, movies, drama are a positive channeling of emotions.  Journaling can be an individual personal way of expressing emotions available to everyone.

To live in denial, hiding how we feel, and rigid self-control is like holding a ball filled with air under water.  It takes a lot of strength and energy, and eventually, it will pop up somehow, somewhere.  Likewise, to live with delusion, lying about the past, is unproductive; as the truth will eventually come out.

Rather than avoiding our feelings and emotions, we can learn how to identify them, seek the cause, heal the cause, and channel the feelings into life affirming, productive, positive outlets.

Conflict Management.  This is an area where I had my lowest score on the EI scale.  This is such an necessary area of mastery for all humans, and something I think should be taught in the school system.  There are many helpful books on this topic and workshops available now and then.  If you can find a workshop or conflict management program, do take it.  It will be invaluable in helping you think about conflict in a different way, identify your conflict style, and gather some tools in managing it. 

Conflict Management was one of the modules addressed in the Oshawa Hospital Mental Health Day Program, a helpful beginning in understanding and laying a better personal foundation in managing conflict in one's life.

Here is a site where you can take an EI assessment questionnaire.  (*Note: the test is 146 questions long, and takes about 45 minutes to complete.)

http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037

Look at the sample report offered--it will have all your data and scoring.  You don't have to pay for the report, but you can't print it out, so make some notes or cut and paste into a word document.  You will see by your scoring which areas you may want to work on improving. 

Individual Factors - Learning Strengths

Continuing with the book: Growing up Resilient...

Learning Strengths

Okay.  Indicators are, that intelligence is a positive factor in resilience.  I have often thought the opposite.  I envied people who seemed less intelligent than I, because I thought they didn't see or understand all the things I saw and absorbed=which was equivalent to my unhappiness and despair.

However, as we now know, there are many kinds of intelligence.  And as in Darwin's quote from yesterday, it doesn't matter how intelligent we are if we haven't learned how to adapt.

What are the resilience intelligence factors?  Creativity--seeing more than one solution to a problem.  Creativity can also help in seeing the problem in a different way--reframing, changing perspective.

Problem-solving itself.  Being able to think things through to outcomes.  Weighing the pros and cons.  Setting goals.  Setting realistic limitations and expectations.  Being able to cope with time-lines and measurable results.  Using failures or less than optimum results as lessons and feedback to redefine the process.

Challenge=Mastery.  This is so necessary at every time in our lives.  Whether we are children or adults, we need to be adequately challenged and stimulated to grow and overcome.  To feel alive.  To be well.  And, as we take on challenges appropriate to our ability, we can overcome and achieve mastery.  With mastery, comes happiness and experience, on which we can build towards taking on greater challenges.

I think what has happened for me in my past, is that I took on challenges that were greater than what I could realistically achieve--especially with my mental illness, which was undiagnosed and untreated at the time.  So, of course I crashed.  I wasn't able to do it, and I beat myself up.  Contributing to the frequent downward spirals from which I suffered.

What I can do now is to first, gear down.  Slow down and find the level of activity in my life where I can achieve balance.  Then, taking baby steps, add some challenges where I may not excel, and where it may not matter.  I need some practice with not being perfect.

And/or add some challenges in areas where I have failed in the past, and take baby steps.  E.g. Instead of registering in a program, take just one course and see how that goes.

I may never be able to carry the full load of life which other people seem able to carry.  But to be healthy and continue to grow, I need to continue to challenge myself to the levels I can handle or achieve.

Humour.  Some forms of humour are amazingly intelligent requiring great agility of the mind.  If we can see everyday things in an unusual way and learn to laugh at our own idiosyncrasies, we can often overcome many obstacles.  Besides, laughing makes us feel better.

And finally, social intelligence and emotional intelligence figure in here somewhere.  More on this next posting.

Adaptability

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Charles Darwin

I haven't posted for a few days as I have been reading through a couple of books to see what I can learn about resilience and adaptability.

One of the books is Growing up Resilient: Ways to build resilience in children and youth, by Tatyana Baranking and Nazilla Khanou for the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH).  Dr. Baranking is a psychiatrist and Dr. Khanou is an associate professor at the University of Toronto.

Clearly, for whatever reasons, I did not learn resiliency as a child.  Is there anything I can give myself now, as an adult, that I am missing from my  childhood formation?

The other book is AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask for, by M.J. Ryan, author of several self-help books and coach for Professional Thinking Partners, a group of professionals who counsel individuals and corporations in becoming "Change Masters".

So what have I discovered that can help? Interestingly, there is an overlap between the elements of happiness, and strategies for coping with perfectionism.

I'll start with the book re: raising resilient children. Resilience is recognized as an important element of mental health.  The authors take a look at "risk and protective factors" at the individual, family, and community level. 

Resilient children have a strong sense of self; are able to relate and communicate with their peers; have a strong attachment to at least one adult; and have a sense of self and place in their community.  They are positive and hopeful. The doctors have found this to be true of children even with the added challenge of mental illness.

Individual Protective Factors

In this section, I will write about the factors that speak to me, that I can give myself now, as an adult.

Temperament

Often temperament is thought of as a "given".  How we are genetically wired or the imprint we received at an early age from others. Something fairly unchangeable.  But I believe temperament can at least be modified, through knowledge, understanding, and various practices.

In their research with over 700 families, the doctors have found that an easy-going, relaxed, sociable temperament is best suited for coping with life.  What I would call a "B type" personality.

All my life I have been hyper, reactive and intense inside; while trying desperately to control and hide those feelings.  Paddling madly up river, trying to move forward and control.  Demanding a lot of myself and others.

As I have discussed in earlier postings, it is possible to change this response to life.  It is possible to learn how to go with the flow more, how to accept.  How to self soothe and calm myself.  "Don't push the river."

Acceptance has been a huge problem for me.  It is important to remember that acceptance doesn't mean surrender or giving up.  It just means accepting things in this moment just as they are.

Much of learning how to accept for me, has come from Eastern philosophies.  Being still with myself.  Meditation.  Relaxation--whether through massage, a hot bath, listening to soft music, or a walk in nature; I need to practice ways of calming myself, turning down or off, the volume inside.

I think it would behoove anyone suffering from mental illness to learn how to slow down.  Turtle time.  How to clear the plate or at least remove a few things.  Control the amount of stimulation and the consequent reactivity by turning down the volume in our lives.  Turn off the telephone for awhile.  Don't watch the news.  Become aware of the things that agitate you, and the things that calm you.  Seek balance.

Something that helps with the genetic aspect of my temperament is the medication I take.  These medications won't totally stop the internal activity; but they will help in certain aspects, such as reducing anxiety and enhancing positivity by making more serotonin available to my brain.

From my understanding and experience with medication, the pills don't totally take away the emotions or reactions--they aren't magic pills.  But they can help enhance my efforts at changing my thinking, my way of being.  They help me in modifying myself in a healthier direction.

Adaptability & Resilience

Adaptability: Ability of an entity or organism to alter itself or its responses to changing circumstance or environment.  Adaptability demonstrates the ability to learn from experience and improve the chances of survival and/or thriving.

Resilience: 1. The ability to recover quickly from illness, change or misfortune; buoyancy. 2. The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.

Adaptability and resilience are two different, but related attributes.

I have observed a lack of resilience repeatedly in my life.  Like the rat mentioned earlier in this blog (post: December 8th, 2010) I seem to have no whiskers, give up and sink to the bottom.

Why does a sister coming from the same environment seem to have these two attributes in spades and I don't?

How is it, that people who have gone through far worse life experiences than I, not only survive; but thrive?  Whereas I, with lesser life challenges have wanted to die?

A graph in one of the Psychology of Happiness books stuck in my head, and I have tried to reproduce it below:

I don't know how well you can see this graph; but the idea is, that life goes along, our well-being fluctuates between normal parameters. Then something traumatic happens.  Something "bad".  From this point forward, there will be those who never recover; those who go down briefly, and then recover enough to carry on--but at a point of well-being lower than originally--Survivors.

Then, there are those who may go down initially; but who somehow rise above the traumatic event and do even better than before--Thrivers.

How does this happen?  Are there factors we can assimilate to make our lives better?  Can we learn how to thrive?  Rather than wanting to give up and die?

Over the coming weeks, I'll be reading and researching to see if I can discover the key to thriving, post trauma.  What constitutes a resilient person?

Perfectionism: Research & Resources

I indicated at the beginning of this section on Perfectionism I would provide a list of resources at the end.

Be Happy without being Perfect, by Alice B. Domar and Alice Kelly.  Available at the Oshawa Library.  Also available in Talking Book CDs. Primarily directed to a female audience; but the practices and tools are useful to everyone.

Pretty much anything by Gordon Flett (York University) and Paul Hewitt (University of British Columbia) will lead you to research on perfectionism.  First, I like the fact that they are Canadian researchers.  I wonder sometimes if we haven't taken on the American standards of productivity over quality of life. 

Second, as I read through their literature available on-line, it is well-documented as to the research of others in this area, and they continue to update and modify their conclusions regarding perfectionism based on the research.

Finally, I have found the Guided Meditation CDs of Adyashanti very helpful in simply pausing and accepting everything as it is, accepting myself as I am.  His CDs are available at the Oshawa Library. 

Perfectionism: Mastery vs Helplessness

In first year Psychology, we learned about "loci of control".  That is, how some people perceive control of their lives as being external to themselves, and how others perceive control of their lives as inner generated.

I immediately identified with this, thinking my parents were external locus people (i.e. people who perceived things "happening to them"; that God, the government, their bosses--someone else was in control of their lives); and that I was an internal locus person (i.e. I believed I was in control of my life and what happened to me.  That I could make things happen.)

Now.  We know that life is a combination of both, and this is where the Serenity Prayer comes in--having the wisdom to know when to accept things and when to make changes.  Having more than one gear with which to respond to life.

There is also a quote I like about being young:

"We believed we could do anything, only because we had done nothing yet."

Back to perfectionism.  It is noted that those who exhibit the first type of perfectionism (self-oriented perfectionism) have an inner drive to be perfect themselves--a motivation that doesn't come primarily, from exterior expectations, from the outside.

Flett and Hewitt have found that self-oriented perfectionism may have an adaptive component due to the intrinsic motivation and persistence involved in rising to one's own standards.  In other words, there is a sense of mastery involved in trying to be perfect for oneself.  And, as we know from the section on the Psychology of Happiness, a sense of mastery and having some control over one's life is a component of happiness and well-being.

Other researchers (Dweck & Leggett) have found that those with a mastery orientation tend to persist when they are confronted with a challenging situation or problem.  They continue to engage in problem-solving and cope with problems in a task-focused manner until a solution has been reached.

The downside, though, for us who are inner-motivated in our quest for perfection, is that we attach too much personal value and identification with the outcome of our efforts, and are devastated when we fail.  Or even if we get less than what we were striving for (eg. A "C" when one was striving for an "A").

Additionally, we tend to indulge in high levels of self-criticism and lack of self acceptance, which can result in a negative view of oneself and low self-esteem.

To conclude, if you are going to be a perfectionist to any degree, it is best to be inner motivated than outer motivated in terms of your emotional health.

It is almost always good to try to do one's best; but try to have some "Buddha detachment" about the outcome.  Don't take it personally.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  Mistakes are lessons--not a death penalty.

Which leads me to my next topic of inquiry: resilience and adaptability.

How can we pick ourselves up and keep going, not give up, when things don't turn out?

Perfectionism: Helplessness vs Mastery

Helplessness

Something I found interesting in the work of Flett and Hewitt: 

Individuals with the third type of perfectionism (socially prescribed perfectionism) "perceive they are exposed to a situation of overcontrol resulting in a great deal of punishment for the self."  This type of perfectionism "incorporates elements of helplessness and hopelessness".

"...Socially prescribed perfectionism is associated with motivational deficits...individuals with a helplessness orientation do not respond well when challenged by life difficulties."  They "give up when confronted with difficult problems and reflect on personal inadequacies in an emotion-focused manner."

Furthermore, in the research by Epstein & Myer, regarding Constructive Thinking, they have found that:

"...poor constructive thinkers respond poorly when confronted with a difficult situation...they end to exhibit many of the characteristics associated with a helplessness orientation, including increased levels of negative affect and negative self-judgements involving blame and overgeneralization."

In his research with depression, Beck has found the following cognitive tendencies: "engaging in selective attention to and overgeneralization of failure...a tendency to engage in all or nothing thinking whereby only total success or total failure exist as outcomes."  Which well-describes perfectionists who tend to engage in the overgeneralization of failure to all aspects of the self.

This is thought to stem, in part from an "ideal self-schema" and core irrational beliefs.

All the research suggests there is an absence of emotional and behavioural coping correlated with the third type of perfectionism as well as depression and nonconstructive thinking.

When I think back to the times I was in educational situations and my perfectionism became "socially prescribed" (i.e. the third type of perfectionism, as defined by Flett and Hewitt, the belief that perfection is expected by others) I tanked.  I was overwhelmed with helplessness and hopelessness.  I felt I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be perfect.  So I dropped out.

The same would be true regarding my general feelings about the external world--that I can't be perfect enough to survive.  That I can't "make it".  I can't cope.

I'm beginning to wonder to what extent my perfectionism has contributed to making my life impossible.  To giving up and wanting to die.

Is perfectionism at the root of my mental illness and the absence of constructive adaptation to life?

In my next post I will examine the "mastery" aspect of perfectionism.

Relationships

Relationships

Needless to say, perfectionism can ruin relationships; both personal and at work.

At home, the perfectionist is a kind of tyrant.  Angry, dissatisfied, seldom pleased.  The externals are more important than the heart.

In the workplace, the perfectionist has an air of superiority, stressed, having an edge, resentful about all the work they do, fearful about making a mistake.  Sensitive about being criticized--while not hesitating at all to be critical of others.

Living with a perfectionist can be hell; because nothing will ever be "right" for them.  Nothing will ever be good enough.  Perfectionists are disapproving and nagging. Additionally, they don't really think well of themselves.  Despite the air of superiority, they have low self and other acceptance.  So how can a perfectionist ever really let anyone get close to them?

Working with a perfectionist is annoying.  They don't inspire people, they dis-inspire.  Certainly, they may excel and receive attention from superiors; but  that serves to make others look bad and feel jealous.  If a perfectionist is really obsessed, he or she may have low productivity due to excessive attention to detail, or not taking things on for fear of failure.

A perfectionist isn't someone you really want to be around or spend time with.  We tend to alienate people.

Additionally, we tend to have shallow interpersonal relationships and/or tend to be loners.  No one will ever measure up to our ideal--they will always have flaws or something wrong, on which basis, we reject them.  We ourselves fear that if people get too close, they will see our flaws and reject us as well.

This is a vicious cycle with no happy ending.  Until...we learn to drop some of these maladaptive dysfunction ways of thinking and behaving and begin to embrace the world as it is.  Embrace ourselves as we are.  And begin to believe the impossible: that we are okay, lovable human beings just as we are.

Just as you and I are sitting there/here breathing in and out, we are worthy.  If we can believe that just being alive is an incredible gift and gives us a place in the Universe...then we can begin to move forward, shedding some of our perfectionist armour. 

Gratitude & Compassion

Gratitude

As perfectionists, we are constantly scanning the environment and ourselves for ways to move towards perfection.

Gratitude is the practice of being grateful for "what is".  Gratitude helps check the tendency of constantly being critical and dissatisfied.  Gratitude is an attitude of acceptance.  To enjoy and take pleasure in what has been achieved.

It is often suggested to keep a gratitude journal.  I did this for awhile, and it does help to set down concretely the things you are grateful for on a daily basis and be able to review it.

If we can begin to practice gratitude more often, we will tone down and stop the perfection obsession cycle.  Hold "an attitude of gratitude".

Compassion

I find as a perfectionist, I have had very little compassion for others.  I have been focused on my goals, expectations, standards to the exclusion of feelings.

No one is perfect.  We are all human.  If we can begin to bring some compassion into our lives, some kindness, mercy, tenderness, sympathy...for ourselves and others, we will begin to soften on the expectations of perfection which can be so harsh, exacting, even cruel.

With compassion comes kindness and forgiveness, attributes we need to "try on".  Life will get less stressful if we can accept imperfection.

Perfectionism - Gender differences

In my unscientifically unsubstantiated observation, women suffer more from perfectionism than do men.

I have noticed, that if men are perfectionists, it tends to be relegated to their paid work.  For example, a computer graphic artist will massage an image pixel by pixel until he gets what he wants; but he may be a slob in almost every other aspect of his life.  Or, a machinist will produce proto-types far exceeding the engineers' tolerance specs; but you will find bags of half eaten chips and dirty dishes under his bed and he won't put away his clothes.

Whereas, if a woman is a perfectionist, she is usually a perfectionist in everything, from the home front, to her appearance, to her paid work, to the care she takes in writing notes to friends.

Naturally, we can lay this at the feet of historical gender roles in place for millenniums.  Traditionally, women weren't permitted significant roles outside the home; so they have applied all that brain power to perfecting household chores and decor to a level far exceeding that required for basic hygiene and comfort.

Whereas men, who traditionally haven't had to give much thought to home front cleanliness, focused on what their job has been: bringing in the cash--being providers.  Their focus on paid work has not only been for the worthy objective of providing for their families; but also to create and maintain their status in the pecking order of the male world.  Often a kind of posturing. 

They have had hundreds of years longer to develop a sense of priority attached to their job and a greater sense of boundaries. i.e. one man won't do another guy's job.  It would be diminishing his place in the order of things--perhaps even taking bread out of his mouth.

For less than a hundred years, we are in what I would call "transition generations" where women are in the workplace; but also, still trying to keep up with the high pitch of home front obligations.  As at home, they tend to pick up workload in the workplace, when they sense something needs to be done that others aren't doing.  Often, women don't have the same sense of boundaries between what is strictly their job, and another's job.  They take on too much.  They try to be helpful.

In my observation, the women who succeed and survive well, have figured out something closer to the male priority scheme of things.  Or, they have kept on being perfectionists, and have probably sacrificed something along the way--like having a home life, or their sanity.

So, ladies, time to tone down the perfectionism--I don't think it is working well at home or at work.  And how to do that? Define priorities and delegate.

Defining priorities.  Again, this requires standing back and deciding what is important; and what is not so important.  Applying our rational minds in areas where we have permitted an irrational approach to flourish.  Unload your plate.

Delegating.  When it comes to the home front, we have to learn how to delegate and not have all the housework weighing on ourselves.  Everyone dirties dishes and clothes.  Everyone needs to know to take care of those basic chores.  And having delegated, leave it alone.  Try not to criticize.  You can demonstrate how you'd like it done; but re-doing everything someone else does defeats the purpose. 

Be willing to live with a job someone else has done that is lower than your standards.  As long as it is functional--learn to let it go.  Others will not become good at their chores if you don't let them have the opportunity of repetition.  Understand that others may not see the need of cleaning the grout between the tiles with a brush; or ironing the sheets.  Learn to let some of these things go--or do a once a year spring cleaning where you bring things up to speed--but stop obsessing about it between times.

Neurotic perfectionism is a maladjustment to life.  The key to pulling back from the perfectionist abyss is to get some sort of distance, perspective.  We need to apply rational thought where irrational compulsive reactive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors have reigned.

Transforming Perfectionism III

Some of the advice given in Domar's book (Be happy without being perfect) consits of advice given to nearly all forms of mental illness patients.

Get control of your thoughts

Easier said than done; but I think we can all learn to recognize when we are ruminating, catastrophizing, indulging in black and white thinking, focusing on the negative, judging, excessively critical, not giving things their proper weight.

We know when we are taking things too personally; when we are beginning to obsess.

So how do we stop doing that?

Here are some of the suggested tools:

Mindfullness

However you can do it, step back and gain perspective.  Whether this is through meditation, distracting yourself with something else and then coming back to the problem, even sharing with a counselor or a group--will help change the course of our rote thoughts and introduce thoughts closer to reality.

We are all rational people; but with irrational thoughts.  Catching ourselves in
act of irrational old mind tapes can be done; and our course of thinking changed.

Self-care

When we become obessed with things, we frequently neglect ourselves.  Self-care is part of stepping back and taking stock, to make certain we are doing things that are comforting and soothing for us; as well as stacking the cards in our favour physically.

I consider remembering to take my medications as prescribed a form of self-care.  I get tired of people telling me I don't eat properly; but I know I can take supplements which I understand are good for the brain: things like the Omega 3s and Vitamin B complexes.

Doing your best to get rest is more important than I ever imagined.  I can't imagine how hyper I must have been when I was an insomniac.  No wonder things appeared so overwhelming and out of perspective.

Exercise.  Whether it is sitting in the jacuzzi or lifting weights.  Yoga. Going for a half hour walk.  Do something good for your body.

We all need a strategy for when we get agitated and anxious.  A "shot in the locker" so to speak.  We need ways of calming ourselves, that involve as many of the senses as possible.  Whether this is listening to soft music, going for a massage, getting hair cut/coifed, a hot bath with lavendar--we all need to discover what works for us--that doesn't involve old self-harm tactics.

Problem-solving

There are numerous books written about problem solving strategies; but most of the basic tools involving writing things down.  Sometimes when it is in black and white in front of me, the realities vs the irrationalities of what has been rumbling around in my head will pop out.

Whether one uses a white board, a large pad of paper, a computer--whatever works to lay it out, try:

Journaling; listing pros and cons; making bubble charts; cloud diagarams--be creative.  Try to have fun with it.  Use colours.

Objectifying may help make it less personal.

Get a hobby

Going from my own experience, perfectionists are pretty intense people.  They seldom do something just for fun or to relax.  And certainly not anything they might not be good at.

Perhaps a tactic of achieving balance and practice with "failing" is to take up something just for fun.  Gardening, painting, photography, wood-working, dance lessons, walking dogs, kayaking or sailing...the list of possibilities is endless.  It can be as private or as public as you want to make it.

Transforming Perfectionism II

While referring to suggestions in How to be Happy Without Being Perfect, I'd like to summarize the techniques I feel work for me.

Acceptance

"to accept the things I cannot change"

I think acceptance is huge for a perfectionist. Our entire lives are based on not accepting the way things are. Of striving for something better. Something perfect. We are devoted to being perfect. Wanting things to be perfect. It is an unrealistic, dysfunctional task.

Yes, we can change ourselves, and part of this, is learning how to let things just be as they are, in the moment.

Thus far, the best method I have found to begin practicing acceptance, is  meditation. There are many forms of, approaches to, and practices of meditation; but the type I have found works best for me is Guided Meditation.

I have auto tapes of words already running in my head, so listening to someone talk me through what I am supposed to be doing fits better for me than trying to clear my mind completely--at least in this stage of my meditation work.

I recommend: Adyashanti, True Meditation, the art of just letting everything be as it is in this moment.  The practice of not trying to control or do anything; accepting that everything is as it should be, for just 30 minutes, is my baby step in learning how to let go of my constant vigilance for perfection.

Change/Action + Wisdom

"...to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Change can only occur when we identify what is wrong.  As has been said:

"Name it; claim it; change it."

This is where the wisdom comes in as well.  I identify one of the elements of wisdom as insight.  Self-awareness.

If we can't see our patterns of behavior, or if we are too attached to, too identified with them to let them go; then we won't be able to change.  And we will continue to blame others and rationalize our dysfunction.

When I started this section on perfectionism, I felt that being a perfectionist was a good thing.  I was on the side of defending perfectionism. 

The more I read the research, the more I realize the detrimental part my perfectionism has played in my life, from childhood to the present.

I'm beginning to suspect that perfectionism is behind my desire to die and "start over".  That perfectionism is the underlying cause of much of the sadness and hopelessness that takes me over from time to time.

I got frozen in a childhood coping mechanism that isn't working for me.  To suggest that perfectionism is an immature, unreasonable approach to life would leave most perfectionists aghast; as we often feel we are the only responsible conscientious ones.  We watch ourselves slave and be stressed; while others relax, enjoy life, let things go.

But I'm beginning to see where the desire for order, cleanliness, organization, to do well, to make things better, can slide into an obsession with detrimental side effects and little pay off.

An emotionally mature person would have distance, give things their proper weight and perspective.  Be able to roll with the punches and get back up.  Carry on.

So how do we pull back from the edge of perfectionist obsession abyss?

To be continued...

Transforming Perfectionism

According to Flett and Hewitt, perfectionism as a personality trait, shows up at an early age in children.

As mentioned previously, I think it is genetic, as well as modelled by our parents.

I also think what kicks it into high gear is the need for love, approval, attention, and reward.  So while there may be an inherent need or striving to be better, to make things better in everyone; when we enter society, we are judged and evaluated by externals, at school, by the Church and by people in general, as children; by our work, when we are older.  We are judged by the results we are able to create.

If we didn't receive unconditional love from our parents, all our sense of self-worth is going to come from externals.  Thus the "set-up" for a disproportionate, heavy weight placed on becoming perfect.

Another element which I think is contributory, is the need for control.  Needing some control is a good human thing--it is one of the elements of happiness.  However, I think in perfectionism it becomes excessive and neurotic.

Often as children, we have the perspective that the world revolves around us.  Consequently, we take responsibility on ourselves for what is happening in our environments.  If things are bad, if there is a divorce, if there is fighting, scarcity, we look for ways to fix things, or we blame ourselves.

I think the propensity for perfectionism can come from a childhood desire to "make things right".  Perhaps perfectionists are still operating from the childhood perspective that the world revolves around us and that we can affect/effect things more than someone who is emotionally mature.

Perhaps we got stuck in childhood "fixing" for all our lives?

I've known the Serenity Prayer since I was nine years old.  It has never meant so much to me, as in the past few months:

"...to accept the things I cannot change; to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Perhaps this can be a starting point of transformation.

To be continued...

Normal vs Neurotic Perfectionism

Personally, I feel the word "perfectionism" is an inherently negative word.

However, Flett and Hewitt posit that there is such a thing as "normal perfectionism" defined as:

"Striving for reasonable and realistic standards leading to a sense of self-satisfaction and enhanced self-esteem."

I think I would use some other term or phrase such as "doing one's best", "striving to excel"; rather than than using the word perfectionism in this context.

Then, there is what the researchers call "neurotic perfectionism" defined as:

"A tendency to strive for excessively high standards; motivated by fear of failure and/or a concern about disappointing others."

So, in other words, it is "normal" to want to be perfect; but "neurotic" to expect to be perfect.

I don't know if I agree with this.  From my observation, there are people who have no concern whatsoever about being perfect themselves.  I would suggest these are the "B" type personalities, who are happy to go with the flow, don't seem to have a lot of ambition, and certainly don't seem to attach themselves personally to outcomes.

They seem highly adaptable and happy.  They seem to accept, not resist, and are quite comfortable people to be around--as long as I don't go putting high expectations on them. :)

Neurotic Perfectionism

One thing that is agreed, perfectionist thinking can erode self-esteem due to all or nothing thinking, emotionalism and catastrophizing.

For the perfectionist, when she fails in one task, she herself is a failure.  There is no distinction between the task and the person.  Nor the present set-back and one's previous track record.

One "bad" outcome destroys everything.  Everything a perfectionist does becomes who there are, up to the moment. Her house is a mess=she is a mess.

We put terrible, unrealistic pressures on ourselves; feel stress, disappointment, frustration, sadness, anxiety and depression.  Then we beat ourselves up for feeling that way.

There is no good going to come of this scenario, so we need to change it.

Pefectionist Cognitive Dysfunction i.e. Crappy Thinking

Okay.  Here we all are at Earth School.  We know in our minds that it is not supposed to be perfect.  We know we are here to learn, transform, etc.  That perfection may exist in some other parallel universe; but probably not here; or at least, not often.

So why do we have, and dearly hold, these expectations and beliefs?

My thinking is, that at one time the gene for excelling is the one that won out over the others.  Most definitely, I believe judging and discriminating is hard-wired--otherwise we wouldn't be able to chose between a good fruit and one that is bad.

But somehow, we have taken a good thing out of context, focusing on it to our detriment.  The gene to adapt is also a good thing--but we've overridden our adaptability with something that isn't working for us.

What are these irrational beliefs and dysfunctional thinking patterns we hold?

The expectation that people and situations should have no flaws or faults

One of the symptoms of BPD is to idolize people and then demonize them.  I'm thinking, that to have these unrealistic expectations is so hard on everyone, including ourselves.  So cruel, actually.

If I can't do everything perfectly, why bother doing it?

This belief gets us stuck in life.  Stuck working on things far longer than they warrant.  We won't take things on for fear of failure.  We narrow and limit ourselves.  Or, we may dismiss things as worthless, because we know we can't do it perfectly.  

Having perfection oriented automatic thoughts

Uncontrolled, almost unconscious thoughts that tell us we have to be perfect all the time.  Without realizing it, we hold these thoughts and standards in our heads and are constantly comparing ourselves and others to unrealistic, ungenerous standards.

Hyper vigilance/ hyper awareness of perfection

Always scanning the environment for instances of perfection, or rearranging things in one's head.  I know I have gone into waiting rooms, for example, and have rearranged the waiting room in my mind to a more functional, pleasing layout.  I am constantly doing that--and it serves no purpose.  Actually, it causes me a certain amount of dissonance or pain.

At the same time, I enjoy immense pleasure in seeing something that approaches perfection in art, architecture, or craftsmanship.

Disproportionate negative feelings over a mistake

We beat ourselves up.  Our self-acceptance, self-worth, is tied to how we do.  I imagine this is due to conditional love, acceptance, attention as a child from parents, from teachers.  It is difficult for me to believe and accept myself as worthy, just because I am here and alive.

Making mountains out of molehills

Inaccurate assessment of damages.  Minor setbacks become devastating events.  Lack of perspective.  As I have said previously, I once quit a program in which I was getting straight "A's" because I received a "C".  A "C" is still a pass.  That event shouldn't have knocked me off my feet and out of the program--but it did.  I even left town as well.  I gave up on everything.

This is an example of "all or nothing" thinking.  Catastrophizing.  The inability to accept, adapt to an imperfect reality.

Rigid standards

Again, all or nothing.  Black and white thinking.  A lack of adaptability.  As a perfectionist, I haven't been able to see what has been "right" about my world when something "bad" happens.  The "bad" took over my entire view, so I had to leave and start over; alternatively, I wanted to die.  My world, my view, wasn't approaching perfect anymore so I had to give it up.  I couldn't live with less than perfect--even when there were so many elements out of my control.

Expecting the impossible

This ties into some of the other points.  To expect perfection in this world is a "set-up" for disappointment, failure, pain.  Why are we on this perfectionist track when it causes us so much grief?  Depression and anxiety.

Overstating what's at stake and overreacting

Again, the lack of perspective in giving things their proper weight.  The pressure of being perfect can paralyze me.  I find myself struggling to get myself together to leave the house.

We perfectionists are emotionally attached to outcomes; because our outcomes define us.  We are emotionally invested and therefore, reactive.  Sometimes we don't have the distance to respond effectively, to problem-solve, to be task oriented and persistent when things "go wrong".

We tend to think it is the end of the world and take the results personally.

This is devastating and life disruptive.

Three Types of Perfectionsim

Interestingly, the experts in perfectionism seem to be Canadians: Gordon Flett at York University in Toronto, and Paul Hewitt at University of British Columbia in Vancouver.

According to Flett and Hewitt, there are three kinds of perfectionism:

1) Self-oriented perfectionism - inner-motivated, expecting perfection of oneself

2) Other-oriented perfectionism - expecting others to be perfect, high standards for others

3) Socially prescribed perfectionism - the belief that others demand perfection of oneself

I would have thought that if you are a perfectionist, you demonstrate all three; but perhaps this is not the case.

For example, in the earlier discussion of the Elements of Perfectionism, I indicate that my drive to be perfect comes from within myself, for my own satisfaction.  In that sense, I don't feel pressure from the outside to be perfect--in fact, I often lament the lack of perfectionism/standards/quality in the external world. 

Consequently, I would say I manifest 1) and 2) above; but not so much 3).  Except, perhaps, when I was in the Church and felt I had to be perfect by those standards--a remnant of which may still linger.  Additionally, when I am in an academic setting, I feel there are external standards of perfection I am expected to achieve.  So 3) is situation specific for me.

As one might expect, perfectionism is co-related with depression, maladjustment, anxiety, poor behavioral and emotional coping tendencies, core irrational beliefs, and dysfunctional, unconstructive thinking.

The only form of perfectionism that seems to have something going for it is 1) Self-oriented perfectionism, because there are elements of mastery and action involved.  On the downside, self-oriented perfectionists score low on self acceptance, as so much is tied up in the success or failure of their enterprises.

The Perfection Deception

Perfectionism.  What is it exactly, and why do we have it?

I think part of it is genetic, as well as environmental.  If one grows up with a perfectionist, one may be more likely to be a perfectionist.  But I have also seen children who rebel against whatever it is they grew up with as well, and not become perfectionists.  Or impose perfectionism on themselves, because their situation at home was far from perfect.

Whatever it is that causes it, perfectionism is a deception.  Because in our world, nothing will ever be perfect all the time.  I think there are perfect moments but they don't last, and that's life.

To hold oneself to being perfect in everything, causes untold stress.  For me, it led to suicide and self-destruction. It is an unhealthy, unrealistic way to be.  And it is pretty much self-imposed.  We do this to ourselves--in our minds.  In how we think about things.

For me, it is a compulsion.  I speculate that I am overcompensating or trying to "fix" things.  And by now, it has become a habit, a way of life--which can be destructive.

It is easy for me to feel "less than", to sense rejection where none actually exists.  Perhaps I imagine that if I do things perfectly, no one will have reason to reject me.

And what about rejection?  It happens to everyone--often for no apparent reason.  So why haven't I learned how to accept:  An imperfect world?  That not everyone is going to embrace me?  How and why haven't I learned to let those things go and roll with the punches? Not become so devastated?

For the coming entries in this blog, I am going to be exploring Alice Domar's book: Be happy without being perfect, to see what she has to say.
(Co-authored with Alice Kelly.)